Emptiness

Emptiness

I wake up with a jerk. “Sameerrrrrr,” I scream. I turn around to hug Sameer, hoping it was a nightmare but the cold sheet next to me makes the night even colder. Most nights I just stare into nothingness, unable to sleep, if I do get some sleep, this is how I wake up.

I hug my sweatshirt, Sameer’s sweatshirt. It is beginning to smell like me. Just like him, his smell from it is slowly disappearing. A fresh round of tears blinds me.

I would give everything to have my Sameer back, to be in his arms again. He didn’t even want to go on that trip, I forced him, and then…I wail even louder.

I can barely get up from my bed. I stagger to my kitchen, stumbling on a lot of things on my way. Just like me, the things in the house no longer know where they belong. The dirty dishes that annoyed me earlier, no longer bother me.

“You are tired. Why can’t you do it tomorrow?” Sameer always said but I wouldn’t listen. 

Wouldn’t he have a field day looking at the mess the house is in? 

My stomach growls and I have a splitting headache. I walk to my door. Milk packets from the past few days lie outside. I pick one up and head to the kitchen to put some to boil. I badly want tea. My eyes fall on the documents on the counter.

“Please read and sign these,” the vultures wanted to erase Sameer’s existence, remove all his records. I tear the documents and throw them. My legs give away and I fall on the floor.

“How will you manage without me,” Sameer’s words mock me.

I can barely function, I can’t stay without him…

The tea boils over, and some of it spills on me. Surprisingly it doesn’t pain, the pain in my chest overpowers all others. I have no energy to get up and switch off the gas. I clutch my aching heart and lie down on the floor. I am having difficulty breathing. I spot my phone lying next to me. There are numerous missed calls and messages. I dial the first person I can think of.

“Thank you for reaching me. Please leave a message.” I reach Sameer’s voicemail.

“Sameeeerrrr why didn’t you take me along? What happened to growing old together? Why did you love me only to hurt me like I have never been hurt before,” I throw my phone and howl like a wounded animal.

That’s when I spot it…

I don’t know how long I lay there. I feel so light after so long, so relieved. I wait patiently, surprisingly not feeling any pain, just a little wet and sticky. Don’t know why people are afraid of it. It is nothing but bliss. I have difficulty keeping my eyes open, things begin to blur and the knife falls from my hand.

“I am coming baby, death can’t do us part…”

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