May I speak my heart today, my dearest Noorie?
Noorie, I am sorry I left ….
I know you felt I am heartless and cruel- even insensitive to the pain you endured on my behalf.
I am sorry you pined as much, and I pretended to not notice. How I wish every day for a little more time with you so I could tell you just that.
Time is an expensive gift which I should have willingly given you- not have you plead tearfully for it but alas, I took much for granted.
I am sorry I caused blood wounds for all the love you gave me.
Dear Noorie, let me be honest today. I thought I wouldn’t miss you much. You see, I never thought I was attached to you.
You were just my hiatus, and I was prepared to leave at the drop of a hat.
And I did…
I didn’t miss you at first, but your silence refused to grow on me.
I thought you would reach out like you always did- but you didn’t, and I missed you so.
I would often look for you on messenger and never message…
I would occasionally search for you on social networks to see what you were up to…
But you went silent everywhere.
Finally, I messaged you a few times appearing flippant, but truth be told, I was missing your easy warmth as much as your fights.
You never answered back which made me angry sometimes and resigned otherwise…
“Oh, I can move on easily, “I thought haughtily each time and was startled that I simply couldn’t.
I didn’t know I needed to move on from you…you? Who clung to me?
I was the free bird, wasn’t I?
I moved on. But I didn’t really, did I?
And then today I learnt of your accident. That dreadful accident.
Our time floated before my eyes in a blurry mist and that was unexpected too.
You floated before my eyes- your laughter, your love, and every small and big thing you did with joy just for me.
But also, your eyes haunt me. Those eyes which had always begged me to be the partner I should have been…
All the phone calls you waited for and the messages I never answered…
I remember how I willfully ignored those but today I would give anything to answer back and wait to hear from you…
There is no point of regret or even realizing your value for me now…
I remember when your tears turned into a dull pain and your fights into silence.
I remember seeing the light in your eyes slowly fade out after you realized I put in deliberate effort to reduce talking- from too little to the bare minimum.
I refused to be available for you so you would learn.
I learnt those exams are never worth giving.
I am so sorry Noorie.
I deserved this lesson, but somehow you paid the price. Yet again.
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