I am Fine

I am Fine

‘I’m fine, really!” I tell him for the zillionth time.

Arav, my husband of five years refuses to buy my lie. He has been nothing but sweet to me, always supporting me, and patiently putting up with my drama. How much will he tolerate?

Things were rosy initially. We were madly in love, life held so many promises. We couldn’t wait to get married but now it feels like there’s hardly any spark left.

“What did your therapist say?” he enquires.

“Nothing much.” I lie through my teeth. I have been canceling all my appointments for the past few months. I feel like I am broken beyond repair, there’s nothing anyone can do anymore.

“Mumma..” my little one cooed. I stroke her hair.

What wrong has she done to deserve this? She needs to be taken care of but I am incapable of that! 

I am having difficulty breathing. I use my inhaler.

“That isn’t going to fix your anxiety attack.” Arav has a pained expression.

To the world, I have it all – a doting husband, a cute-healthy baby, and a well-paying job. What else does one need?

What else do I need?

I am not exactly sure what led to this. There were some issues no doubt, but I ignored them. Whose life is perfect after all?

It’s ok. It’s just a small thing.

No worries. I will take care of that.

“Let me help you” I was always jumping around and then one day, I found it difficult to even get up from my bed. The long conversations suddenly stopped. Others have given up on me. The one or two calls that I receive at times often go unanswered.

I have been working on autopilot, managing my work and my kid. There are house helps, thank God! I shudder to imagine the condition of our house otherwise.

“I need a break,” I repeat to myself.

Days turn into night and the night turns back into day.

“Happy anniversary love.” Arav softly plants a kiss on my forehead. He has given up on any kind of intimacy. He tried initially but I just never had the energy.

I stare blankly at him. I definitely remembered our anniversary.

Is it the 30th already?

“Today you only rest. A little something for you” he smiles. He has prepared an elaborate breakfast and placed it on the bed. I look at it in disbelief, grateful for having him by my side.

He hands me an envelope.

Why would he give me money?

“Really? That’s what your concern is? You didn’t even remember the date. At least he did something” my brain mocks me.

“I’m sorry I…” I begin

“It’s fine” he strokes my hair. “Open it”.

I open it unenthusiastically. The contents leave me shocked.

“What? Why? Kyra…” I stammer.

“It’s ok. I’ll take care” Arav smiles. “Go on the solo trip. You need it. We all do.”

I am moved to tears. “You didn’t have to. I’m fine, really…”
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