I, Me, Myself

I, Me, Myself

I was always looking for what I seek. I say it in present continuous tense as what I search for plays hide and seek. My family and friends advise me every week. That what I search for, but don’t find, makes me weak. At school, I was very focused. I was the teacher’s pet as I studied and scored marks like I was possessed. All good things do come to an end. In my life, it was the school finishing bend.

At college, I become unrecognizable. Didn’t study well and behaved quite irresponsible. My mother is a teacher at my same school. My father, like most others, is quite old school. I can’t fault them for their limited exposure. They were amazing parents and made me their cynosure. I knew my purpose in life wasn’t studies but something else. My loved ones, didn’t know me anymore as I was becoming someone else. I don’t want to make the events sound dramatic. My approach to life hasn’t been anything but pragmatic. I was perfectly normal and not crazy to talk to blank walls. But the true normal was diagnosed as abnormal and I was often marched through multiple temple halls.

I laughed at the story of a ghost possessing me that were going around in my neighbourhood. Even my friends stayed away from me, oh! so much for the famed brotherhood. The loneliness thought me more and more. And my quest came much more vehemently to the fore. I read books by psychologists and spoke to psychiatrists. Their knowledge was bookish and had nothing do with my destiny’s tryst.  

I wasn’t searching if the big bang theory was true or creativity. Nor was I looking to disprove Einstein’s theory of relativity. I didn’t bother if flat earth theory speakers were a bunch of loon(s). Or whether it was a conspiracy, the landing on the moon. I was here to find something that no one else has found by research. How can any one else find it yet, as it is my own never-ending search.

What was I looking for in actuality? An oxymoron, people would call it, because as per them my search is far from reality. Here we go, as I reveal what I am actually seeking.  I came to know of it only recently, that the wrong place I have been searching. What I was looking for isn’t in books, museums, temples or with people themselves. I was indeed searching for the real me, which is actually within myself! 

My name is an identity given by parents. I was good at studies per my fellow students. I was a well-mannered child as per my relatives. While all these sounds nice, these are all derivatives. I was looking for the true me. Not the version that you all make me believe is me. One day I would seek and find myself. I know I don’t have to look for it outside, but inside I, me, Myself.


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Dinesh Sankaranarayanan
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