Poppins  in My Pocket

Poppins  in My Pocket

It was something that bothered me a lot, not  only today when I’m twenty-four but also at that time too when I was twelve. I always want her to secretly push me harder ,when I’m in distress. She was or should I say she is the one who knows me more than myself. She is lovely, she is strict, sometimes she played the role of my teacher, and sometimes my secret keeper.

Nitya  Maa and Me were like cashews in a pudding, well how can I miss the pudding, the pudding is none other than my so called happy family, where actually happiness has never dwelled . I faintly remember some flashes of my early toddler days, where I see a memory of Mom, giggling with Nitya Maa, and me crying out to have poppins.

I was twelve then, Nitya Maa used to play with me and cheer me up every time, like she never wanted me to cry . I got a golden spoon of course, because I had my crocodile tears to melt her heart every time. But that night I bet even crocodiles  can’t cry the way I have. I lamented for weeks because there was Nitya Maa and Me all alone ,Mom left us and settled in paradise.

 Dad was only there to give us finance ,he never had attachment for us, not even a single drop of tear rolled down from his eyes, neither he took mom’s body for cremation. The reason behind this so called inhuman behaviour  was he would have got a huge loss in his business if he goes to any of the crematorium or graveyard and this useless shit of knowledge was given by one of his guru ji whom he used to admire like almighty.

Yes… You read it right ,just because of bloody superstitions he disrespected his wife ,never ever bid farewell to her .I don’t know why but I still can’t forgive him and never ever will. Not because he didn’t accompanied mom in her last journey ,but because of that sin which he tried to do later.

It was about a week Mom left us , Nitya Maa consoled me ,she stood by me rock solid every time. No wonder I knew I’m not alone in this, but still fathers are important but that wasn’t applicable for him. For him it was all about his state of mind ,his happiness, his profits and everything that he owns. He never visited me in a week, and suddenly one day about two weeks after Mom had passed away, he just appeared as if a very concerned father. Least but not the last he remembered he has a ten year old daughter that’s what I thought, but I was wrong.

{days of grief in a wrapper of happiness}:-

All were happy, after weeks Dad, Me and Ratan Kaka were at the dining table ready to tuck into those chicken roasts .Well Nitya Maa’s recipes were always mouth-watering, all were just so awaiting for those crispy servings, but I wasn’t in the awaiting list .For me ,Nitya Maa always have the first bite of all her delicious creations, so it’s like I was serving as a master chef judge . Haa..Haa.. those were the days!

Ratan Kaka and Nitya Maa were very close,Usually Ratan kaka use to visit us ,and also because of being dad’s business associate he was like a family to us.I remember when I was given poppins for another reason also. Well that reason is quite an interesting one, Ratan Kaka used to bring “kundan bangles” for Nitya Maa ,she used to love it so much that she always wears a pair from it and stares smirkingly  in the mirror ,I knew it that it’s a pure case of full filmy romantic movie.

I use to bribe and get percentage in form of pocket full of poppins to keep this secret that they meet usually in the park .Well we go to park every alternate evening not just for me ,yes I too play there with my friends but it serves as a coffee date for Nitya Maa and Ratan kaka. They always gave me hope, no matter it’s about school fights, marks, competitions, fights with friends. Both of them were like two pillars of my strength.

But my misfortune, I’m always deprived of closed ones. No one exists longer in my life, and so was with both of them. They didn’t exist further. That evening  was a foundation for their extinct from my life, I was overjoyed for being selected for national science exhibition which was going to be held in Delhi. Well , Mumbai to Delhi ,what a far distance? For which a grand permission was needed and guess what I had ,poppins in my pocket ,this time I bribed Nitya Maa and my demand was satisfied, with a permission to go to Delhi.

(On the bus stop)

I remember the bus no -3TA008 ,it just arrived ,all of my schoolmates were there too, eagerly waiting to explore the new horizon of competition. I went in, Nitya maa, gave a long list of do’s and don’ts. It’s not her fault, actually we teenagers should be given some good coaching of do’s and  don’ts,moreover don’t  you think its required??

Well that’s a different matter to speak up ,but sometimes do’s and don’ts even matter for really matured persons, they need to understand where there’s a line of control. This is what happened with dad ,although I came to know later the reason behind his reservation in hell. That evening, after I left ,my world turned upside down. Nitya Maa went back home after bidding a good bye. Ratan Kaka was in rush to board a flight for Bangalore, shall he didn’t board that day, we would have been in a different  state or else at least I won’t be shattered.   I enjoyed the whole journey thinking of ,I will share all my memories with her.

The next day Nitya Maa ,as usual went for church, she and Lord had a different connection, and the most interesting part of it is me.

Yes ,me….

I would be always her first priority when it comes to her prayer application to almighty, God knows what we share, may be something beyond this world that she knows what I want, even the blunder which I commit and try to hid. But I didn’t know that no more shall I get my Nitya Ma back.

1st October, the date I’ll never dare to forget, for it took from me everything although gave me in return a lot of shattered pieces of my heart to keep in cages of trust issues. It would be I think 7 ‘o’ clock evening as they (my so called neighbours, or exactly it would be better if I say them privacy broadcasting agents) say , Nitya maa and Dad were in some heated arguement ,lots of loud noises, yelping for help, crushed wind chimes, broken glass pieces all around  ,and suddenly a silence with darken ambiance ,they rushed in and found Dad laying with blood stains all around his body, half of his head was smashed with some solid marble piece.

Nitya Maa was arrested in the charge of murder. Dad’s body was taken for post-mortem .All I was left with these tales of 1st October, which was narrated by agents the next morning when I arrived. I found no one ,banged the door, more and more, screamed for Nitya Maa, but none could open it and I was sitting in the corridor, the blue lily staring at me or it was trying to wipe my tears ,Nitya Maa’s favourite lily of course it gave me her essence when I found poppins next to it. I knew it ,whatever the state may be, she will never leave me alone, I rushed to police station with my half torn flip flop, thought I could get a sight of my Nitya Maa ,but all in vain I was under eighteen ,no rights to meet someone in remand ,with glossy eyes shabby hair and worn out face, I came back with no one there to care for me, no one there to wipe my tears ,no one to hold me tight and say yes you aren’t alone.

With this hectic broken ,shattered pieces of life, I tried to awake my inner call ,if Nitya Maa would have been here ,Did she ever be happy seeing me crying, broken ,depressed ? No, never ,she never wanted this so why should I do that ,but why did she killed dad ,or is she being framed ,a lot of questions blowing my mind with hunger driving me to either eat or let myself into starving .I gathered hope from the broken heart, went to the kitchen. Reminiscence of being a master chef judge hit me hard, took a deep breath and lighted the gas stove. With a non experienced candidature I stepped in , and cooked half boiled rice & burnt lentils.

As I said earlier ,my misfortune is such a rubbish one. It was late at night 1 ‘o’ clock ,I got a bad stomach ache ,I knew it was the first red days, if Nitya Maa would  have been here ,she would have guided me the best way to deal with this. With  trembling hands and almost exhausted body ,opened up the wardrobe to search for cash. Guess what, she knew me more than my own self, just below the rack I found a packet with a tag quoted ,“To my daughter on being a women, from Nitya Maa”. I opened it and found the essentials with her guidance list of do’s and don’ts. She never left me alone, but why did she never ever met me?

Later I found more two boxes wrapped with my favourite poppins on top of it, marked with some dates which where like four to ten years ahead, with that a note inscribed “not to open before the specified time”. I mean how could she be so calculative, and finally I got to know the reason why she use to deny me opening up the lower shelf of wardrobe. Poor me, I thought she must has some secrets or may be some gifts from Ratan kaka, which she preserved there, but all of my ideas were a waste when I got the gifts for me.

Meanwhile a year has passed, Ratan Kaka didn’t came up after that night. Later in some society get together I found him ,but it was of no use he was there in a form of photograph with a Mexican marigold garland hanging over it, I came to know that he passed away the same day because of a car accident on his way to airport. “O”  God, that day I guess I decided not to trust a single person because  no body is constant ,they just leave you shattered, broken and hopeless. Neither people around nor the extra ordinary fate lines, all these are just illusions.

To my kind future ,I gave a threat that I would never ever repeat the same mistake of trusting others. And time flies, so is this so called self made rules. I remember the day when the court’s verdict was all we waiting for,

 Yes we. (me and the so called broadcasters of our    society). The final verdict goes in favour of Nitya Maa but it was a case of justifiable homicide,on her defence she attacked Dad. She was sentenced for fourteen years of imprisonment. I cried the most, even more than that when mom has left us, but neither Mom came back nor Nitya Maa . I tried a lot to reach her out, even got a visitor pass for meeting her ,lots of packages with bouquets, letters, cards and sea green saree(her favourite) were delivered in her custody suite. But she never ever meet me, neither got a letter from her. 

Suddenly ,after a month  she just escaped from jail, and till now, it’s been ten years, I still wonder why even she didn’t get back to me neither a call nor a message. She just vanished ,how could she do that ? This again broke me ,my so called self rule for threatening my fate got more concrete.

With this concreteness I entered my adolescence, though I had enough wealth and a pretty supportive team of dad’s business associates, I managed my higher studies, still I needed Nitya Maa and she was there with me in all her gifts. That day when I entered my graduation convocation. The gift I found was a pen labelled with “Miss Trishna Roy”-ready for convocation, again Nitya Maa managed to put a smile on my face which was claimed with despair before.  Day by day my resume got filled up ,dad’s associates were very cordial to me, of course I had enough wealth, I enjoyed being financially  stable, successful, independent ,well educated ,sexy…ha..haa., a winking now ..Ahaan!

But something that will never change is I was always left with scars ,shattered pieces of my emotions will never ever make me believe in trusting someone else .

(A couple of years passed) :-

Nothing has changed neither the same old me nor my misery of loneliness, the only thing is now I’m twenty-four juggling with the same issue and a hope to change it ,still can’t trust anyone and moreover it’s not about trusting others it’s about the static view that I have of my fortune, it can never be so kind enough. But I think there’s always a solution or an opposite way. That’s what happened to me. It was my 24th birthday ,I knew no one there to wish me ,with a bottle of beer I walked alone in my melancholy. Roads were damped ,drops of rain rolling down thereby making it easier for me to hid my tears.

Suddenly a crack of halo ,I was just blank, blurred every where and fell off in his arms. It took me fourteen years back when I used to fall from swing and Nitya Maa was always there to hold me.        But who was he, a stranger? Why am I feeling so safe, such questions blew out my mind when I was in a sub conscious state. Such a strange touch it was. Well he was the first guy  whose heart beat I could feel so closely ,didn’t know what it was. My heart just bounced like a ping pong .He drive me home, obviously all because of Nitya Maa again, she used to tell me that I must carry my address proofs, and so was what, I followed from years. He dropped me home, I wasn’t even in my senses still I could feel his warmth ,butterflies in my stomach evoking urges inside me to hold him closer, but what the hell, what about my resolution of not trusting anyone?, All gone in vain. 

Day by day ,a series of emotion evolved ,exchange of numbers ,late night talks, video calls and endless texts, these all went like some fairy tale. I never thought that I , “Miss trust issue” would ever step out of my word and trust someone. Kunal Ajit Ranawat, the master mind behind a series of encounters, how can we fall in love, I mean we were poles apart . He was a complete foodie,an extrovert ,a very friendly person when it comes to sharing secrets and of course his discipline was one of those which annoyed me sometimes. Ha ha… 

Alas!

What to do ,I was the one falling for him even I knew it can shatter me later, or what if he just vanish the same way as Mom, and Nitya Maa had. With a bouquet of questions and a bundle of emotions weathering inside me, I knew the only one who could guide me was Nitya Maa’s last gift . I unwrapped her last gift ,a box of vermillion popped out of it . I wasn’t shocked , I know she knows me better than anyone. It was the sign I was waiting for, or the right time when I thought I would embrace him and let open up my heart before him.

Kunal and I went to our favourite outing spot , a nursery of red roses all around and the sun setting behind the hill top inviting us to say our hearts are locked into each other  and no more shall they be unlocked .

His eyes were enough to drown me into the ocean of our love ,we both were amidst the sky and the earth, no one there in between us. His moves were galloping my oxytocin , he sucked my lips as if  year old thirsty heart,  the meadows were kind to us, they silently witnessed our first time. That day we both were so happy, we found our best place to hide our sorrows and even in jolly days, his arms and my heart were our safest garden to hide.

1st October,2019 again the same date, although years have passed, Nitya Maa’s gifts were all unwrapped ,no more gifts ,nor the trust issue lay in between my heart and neurons. Thought, this was the end of being shattered but you all know that famous saying “never underestimate your opponent”. And when there’s a strong opponent named misfortune you can never dare to take it lightly. But poor me, I thought this is end of grief, no more mood swings,  no more trust issues, we both will soon built up a home now. I dreamt of being a homemaker, silly though but despite of being a business women ,I still crave for those days where I will be in the door step waiting for the sun to set and awaiting him ,a pure homemaker in me wants to pop out.

But fate is the master of all, that night we were together, he promised me to finalize the wedding date. I was on cloud nine ,eager to jump into the homemaker tag. But I got a call..

Kunal , 

‘I have to rush, there’s some issue in the office’.

Trishna, listen , hey!!

“Let’s do one thing I will drop you , at least with this we get a complementary long drive. Ha..ha… long drive, young night and my beloved’s lips.

Isn’t it a perfect combination?

Kunal, you only have these thoughts. (giggling and blushing , I just hugged him)

We rushed to my office, the manic delhi  traffic were so kind that we had to held up for like one hour, stuck up in a mid way, we found a girl with crispy masala papdi. I guess by the time I just saw her, Kunal literally went to her to buy those.

For a change I thought, now street foods will take over my poppins but when he came back with papdi and poppins together ,I was quite surprised ,I mean how did he knew my craving, or strength . I have never told him my past ,the broken me is somewhere buried  in debris, so how did he came to know?

Me the anxious one, got to know that the girl gave it for free with papdi as she didn’t had money to return and settle up payment.

This again took me to the memory lanes , well the past had now stopped haunting me but still resides in some corner of my heart. Kunal dropped me ,and went back ,back to them whom I once loved the most,he didn’t left me ,my misfortune caged him too. The next morning he was there laying unconscious  ,his colleagues  were saluting him,he was the pride of the department ,but for me my world .With state funeral his last rituals were all over.

 And it’s been eight months now, I know he’s isn’t there, my dreams were all shattered but still these shattered pieces are nice , nice to collect them again with a baby bump. He didn’t left me alone, he gave his extension. I know, I will break again, when their will be a reign of questions, allegations, trolls put upon me as a single mother. I know very well that my fortune will again lift me into those pinnacle of broken pieces, emotions and relations, still I will cherish this shattered pieces of past and wait again with poppins on my pocket, to buckle up and  defeat my misfortune or at least a hope to surpass and flush those broken pieces of past piercing my heart.

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One thought on “Poppins  in My Pocket

  1. Dear Pranjalika,

    You attempted a theme like ‘Shattered’ which can have various implications. Kudos for that.

    However, having been a member of Penmancy for quite some time, I have come to realise how essential feedback is to the growth of a writer. Believe me, I have faced multiple rejections, but these have only made me better.

    So, don’t take me otherwise. I am sharing my honest feedback with you. Please take it in the right spirit.

    From what I gathered, it’s the story of a woman whose life has been ‘shattered’ multiple times. A very tragic theme, this could have been handled brilliantly. Instead what I got to read was a longish essay on the protagonist’s misfortune.

    (Kindly follow Penmancy’s ‘SHOW DON’T TELL’ exercises to work on this skill)

    The heading itself started with an extra space between ‘Poppins’ and ‘in’. It then continued further. Between ‘not’ and ‘only’. Then ‘Nitya’ and ‘Maa’ in the second paragraph. It can be rather uneasy for a reader to find such silly mistakes. A crisp editing helps. (I know it too well)

    Too many tense-mismatch and spelling errors marred my reading. A few examples –
    “Mistrust issues’ and not ‘miss trust issues’
    ‘He drive me home’
    If it’s present tense, it should be ‘drives’
    In case of past tense, it should be ‘drove’
    It’s not ‘lighted’ the gas stove, but ‘lit’
    Also, Ratan kaka ‘used’ to visit us, not ‘use’
    It’s ‘Nitya Maa and I’, not ‘me’.

    – Phrases like ‘golden spoon’ are confusing. What you wanted to convey was your protagonist was lucky.
    – ‘Dad was only there to give us finance’ should be rephrased as ‘He was there for us financially’.
    – ‘useless shit of knowledge’ – not sure if I would like to read this here.
    – ‘I use to bribe and get percentage in form of pocket’ – no need to use such flowery words, they add nothing to the story.
    – Mexican Marigold garland – unless this is important in the narrative, you can skip ‘Mexican’.
    – ‘His moves were galloping my oxytocin’ ???

    The meeting with Kunal and his death – they were so abrupt.
    ‘He gave his extension’ – The mention of baby bump in the previous sentence was enough to convey that the protagonist was pregnant.

    Phew! It’s by no means a comprehensive feedback, but I hope you get the gist.

    It was not a bad story, but please start with 100 word fiction. Also read lots of books. Pay attention to spellings and grammar. It will do you good.
    And… never quit.

    Good luck !!

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