Roma's twisted hair curled in oppressive humidity tried to escape her hurriedly tied top knot. Stifling breath felt constricting as she placed aching feet on the train seat across her, and let oxygen into her deprived lungs.

Roma was in a mad rush to get away, to put as many miles as possible between him and her at a pace that felt as though devil himself was at her heels. She was numb with shock!

 Why? Oh, Why? Why??? No one deserves this. How did she have no inkling?

After years of shared memories, friendship, laughter, and memorable times over decades, is this is how it turns out?

Roma pulled out her journal from backpack packed with bare essentials for her sudden getaway. She started flipping through words swimming in unstoppable tears.

 Roma and Ryan were newly met neighbors in town that joined Kindergarten at around the same time. 

She was a trusting, sweet, soft, taffeta-pink-loving delicate waif like princess adored by parents, teachers, family, and any stranger she met. Her winning smile, warm eyes could melt a lava rock.

Ryan's devil may care, risk taking, boisterous, cheeky ways reeled in people when he grinned. He was seemingly unstoppable, invincible and he could take on the world.

It was the meeting of opposites creating a magnetic bond that made them close friends from day one.

 As they grew from elementary schools to middle schools they became inseparable and no matter how polar apart their friends, how varied their interests, how far each traveled with families, they came back to each other to share all experiences with each other.

 Pre-teen years, raging hormonal phases, crushes, infatuations, heart breaks, grades, yearbook, summer camps, after school programs made for many stories that they could relate to each other. And their insightful advice on how to navigate tight corners helped often.

 Come high school, each one slowly drifted into choices that felt chaotic yet necessary to grow as they veered to find own "tribe".  

Ryan was a dashing lad and when he played school football and ran in the track team he found like-minded people gravitating towards him. Both gender attentions were more than what he expected. 

Roma made her way into crème-de-la-crème dramatics club with interesting personalities and weird quirks. She joined the elite artsy painting group and her language of choice was fancy French. 

Ryan and Roma bumped into each other in cafeteria, fun events, performances and team games. They waved, smiled at each other but slowly shares dwindled to monosyllabic exchange. 

They both passed out of school and ended up in their college of choice. He joined on sports scholarship. Her A+ grades, essays and all round involvement in multiple activities secured her a spot in Ivy League college.

Roma’s phone rang. It was Ryan, “can we please meet Roma?” 

Meeting in their new town, with few known faces in college town felt exhilarating.

“Roma you radiate joy, a self-assured demeanor that’s absolutely captivating” 

Roma smiled “Ryan. Look at you, a magnet for sports loving adventurous men and women, you are a fine specimen yourself, my friend” 

It was like they never paused sharing.

They ate at the corner food cart followed by seasonal ice cream; then walked around town getting acquainted with layout, and catching up. It kept them awake all night.

 Despite acquired smoothness, polish and life experiences their basic values aligned as ever. Their opinions on world issues were different but their respect for each other stayed steady.

 It felt like natural progression to discuss turning into roomies from buddies.

Each complemented the other, without imposing their convictions or views.

 “Roma, I have these very dark thoughts. I am unable to stop, divert or articulate them. The world sees me as this fun, funny, goofy, athletic go getter. I know I appear chatty, social but often I seek to be left alone.” Hesitated, “Sometimes I want to “end it all”.

  “No matter how many victories, wins, awards I garner, there is a huge hole within inside of me - I feel alone, lonely, unhappy more and more….”

How were these words coming out of Ryan? 

“Let's talk more tomorrow Ryan?”

Roma could not believe what she heard. The man she had met as a five year old and known him over the years to be group leader has a side she would never attribute to him.

After bidding goodnight, he slit both wrists in his room!!

Roma blames herself !!!!