The first time you hold your daughter, you’ll relearn what it means to fear. Her soft skin, fluttering heartbeat, and her innocent gaze will melt you. She’ll grasp your finger. You’ll fear for her safety.
Will you long for me, and wish I could sit beside you to assure you that you made the right decision? Perhaps not. And I? I could only watch you take all in.
The first night with your baby will be a trying time. She won’t latch on to your breast, starving but refusing to eat. You’ll be exhausted, and desperate to do anything. She’ll eventually learn to suckle and sleep. I hope the man you chose —your husband, stands beside you in the dark of your fear. But if he is like your father, he’ll see what he wants to see.
And you? You’ll brush off your baby’s fine hair from her forehead and whisper with your sweetest voice how much you love her. You’ll also promise to keep her safe from the world’s dangers.
Wait! There will be other lies – big and small over the years, like, “Mommy will be back in a minute,” or “You are the prettiest and smartest.”
You’ll hardly notice these lies, but the others will.
“Everyone likes you,” you’ll promise her. “Work hard, and you could reach the moon.”
But that comes later. The first lie, the first promise that is sure to be broken is the one which you’ll lovingly whisper in her ears, that you’ll never let anyone harm her.
One day you’ll doze off while she will be in your arms, a moment of distraction and she’ll roll free to the floor. You’ll wake up with a start to the sound of falling. The dull thud of her head hitting the floor will break your heart.
Her scream at your sudden inevitable betrayal will hurt you like nothing before.
A truth that will come too late. I fear you would blame me for offering you so little in this wreck of a world. It made it difficult to love you when I was always looking at the hate in your eyes.
Forgive yourself for your decisions, as we all do what we must do. We must both forgive.
At last when the air grows thin, and you’ll recall that first inevitable betrayal, forgive that too. Let her pull you into her arms. Remember to give and take comfort.
“Everything is fine, Mom,” she’ll say.
It’ll be a lie. But your pretense at believing her will be too.
Finally, you’ll understand each other, forgiving all the betrayals. Maybe you’ll understand me too — when I said goodbye how I couldn’t look into your eyes; the break in my voice when I said I would be fine alone when the air grows thin; when I said I was sure that you would be safe.
We are not essentially liars, because we tell lies with love. They are all that keep us going.
Note: This is the representation of mother’s emotions she wants to express to her daughter. The mother describes the emotional turmoil of the journey of her daughter that she will have to go through, from child birth till the baby becomes big enough. Like the cycle of a life, and how each of us as mothers assure our children’s safety with different lies — consciously or unconsciously.
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