I’d heard that shadows don’t speak. They just trail behind you, making you aware of your existence.
But this one here, it speaks to me, day and night. And not just speak, it would argue with me and sometimes coerce me to alter my decisions.
It’s none else but my conscience.
My conscience that always leads me to the right path; that never fails to make me remorseful of my mistakes.
An ethical, truthful, trustworthy, committed and righteous person, that’s who I am. Can you guess why?
It’s because of my conscience that has been shadowing me since the time I learnt to speak. It rebuked me the first time, when I called my mom by her name and it hasn’t let me out of its sight since then.
Every time I am in dilemma over right versus wrong, I am summoned by my conscience in its court of righteousness followed by long hours of sermons often labeled as introspection or self-talk/ awareness. And the verdict is always in favor of doing the right thing- ethically right, implying that it isn’t harmful to anyone (except myself).
More often than not, my silhouette would lead me onto a guilt trip- assessing my conduct, my speech, my actions and reactions to ensure a socially and morally accepted behavior. I am constantly chasing an ideal version of myself.
I am not permitted to commit mistakes, to be impolite or offensive to anyone, to voice my true opinions if they are inconsistent with other’s expectations or not as per the societal standards and of course, not even think of placing my dreams/ my happiness above my family.
My conscience shadows me even at night under the guise of sub consciousness.
It wants to project me as an epitome of sacrifice and selflessness but I am now tired of being a “good” girl. I do not wish to carry the tag of “perfect” anymore. In a bid to follow every predicament ever laid down, I fail to recognize myself in the mirror. I feel like I’ve lost my individuality and I’m constantly transforming as per the need of the hour and the demands of the time. But my relentless shadow!
My shadow still refuses to put down its barometer! Doesn’t it ever need some rest?
Can’t it allow me some part of my life without being answerable?
I wonder how it would be to break the rules sometimes?
If my conscience ever left me in solitude, I would want to do all the things that I lost to it because of its critique, and when it held me to ransom in the name of being fair and virtuous.
But seriously, can my shadow leave me?
I guess, not. We are too habituated to each other’s presence by now, for I feel, it’s a part of me.
I wish I could shadow my shadow someday to see where it resides- in my heart or my mind!
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