Sunidhi looked indulgently at her daughter Aditi, who was super excited to plan for her birthday party.  She would be turning ten in a few days time and her parents wanted to make it special for her, after all she was the apple of their eye. She had  chosen “Frozen II” as the theme for her party.

Aditi wanted a powder blue, Princess Elsa dress and the decorations and the cake had to match the theme.  Sunidhi had been busy for the last one hour, searching online for the perfect party props and finally found them
“Aditi come and have a look” she called out.  Aditi came running, looked at the laptop screen and nodded her head excitedly in approval. The cake had to be two tiered, blue and white one.
“Have you decided whom all you are going to invite to the party?” Sunidhi asked.  Aditi showed her the diary in which she had written the names of her friends.  Sunidhi glanced at it, most of them were familiar to her
“Who is this Aadil? Never heard of him before” she asked curiously. 
“Oh he joined our class this year. He is a very nice boy. We always share our tiffin boxes “. 
“Fine, don’t forget to get me the numbers of the parents  all your friends.  I will call and invite them tomorrow.” Sunidhi said.

The next evening  Aditi gave her the diary in which the phone numbers were written against each name.  Sunidhi sat down with the list and began calling them one by one.  There were only ten names.  It was her turn  to call Hafisa, Aadil’s mother.  She dialled the number and a male voice answered “Hello “
“Can I speak to Hafisa, Aadil’s mother?” asked Sunidhi introducing herself.
“She isn’t here right now. I am Zain, Aadil’s father” he replied.  Sunidhi told him about the party and invited Aadil to it. Zain promised to bring him and asked her to send the location of their home.  Sunidhi finished the call. Zain…..The name was enough to send her heart racing and she broke into a cold sweat.  Gulping a glass of cold water,  “Stop overreacting!!” she chided herself.

The day  of Aditi's birthday dawned bright and Sunidhi got busy with  the arrangements. Blue and white streamers and balloons were hung from the ceiling. There was  a huge backdrop of Princess Elsa in the snow wishing Aditi a Happy Birthday.  The goodie bags to be handed out were neatly arranged on a table.  Sunidhi  wore a pastel blue saree with silver embroidery while her husband Sumeet looked dapper in a white tuxedo. The kids began to arriving by 6pm, one by one with their parents dropping  them off and promising to pick them up later.  Sumeet, Aditi’s father stood at the gate, welcoming   them. Sunidhi was busy adding the final touches when she heard Aditi call,
“ Ma, meet my new friend Aadil”
Sunidhi looked at him and smiled.  He was a fair, chubby boy with curly hair.  Something about him seemed to be oddly familiar to her.  She brushed aside the thought and  walked towards the kitchen.  Sumeet  was in charge of the games. He had organised a treasure hunt in the garden. It was a lot of  fun for the children to go around hunting for the clues.  Aadil won the game and Sunidhi handed over a prize to him and he thanked her politely.  There were a lot of other games too like musical chairs, pinning the tail on the donkey etc., All the children thoroughly enjoyed playing them.

The blue and white, two tiered cake had been set up on the centre table and it was time for Aditi  to cut it.  Aditi looked every bit a princess in her powder blue gown.  The kids sang “Happy birthday “ while she blew out the candles and cut the cake.  They all enjoyed  the delectable spread of pizza, French fries,  cake and ice-cream.   Aditi chatted happily with her friends basking in all the attention.  Later when they were ready to leave Sunidhi handed out the return gifts and chocolates packed in a beautiful bag, with a handwritten thank you note.   Sumeet ensured that the children were safely escorted  and picked up by their parents.  
“Aadil, your Dad is here to pick you” called one of the boys.  Aadil quickly waved a goodbye and left.  Sunidhi was busy putting away things, when  she turned around to see Sumeet talking to Aadil and his father who were on their way out near the gate.  The light from the porch reflected their faces. Her worst fears were confirmed.   The birthmark on Zain’s cheek was a give away. She felt her head spinning.

“Sunidhi wake up” she could hear Sumeet’s concerned voice and felt a splash of cold water on her face. She opened her eyes to see a petrified Aditi standing beside  her. Sunidhi realised that she had fainted. All the guests had left. 
“ I told you not to strain yourself too much.  You want to do everything by yourself. You gave us a scare fainting like that “ Sumeet grumbled good naturedly .
“It is just the heat I guess” said Sunidhi has she struggled to sit up.
“You go and take rest. We will clear everything “ he said.
“ Yes Ma, I will change and help Papa” Aditi chimed in.
Sunidhi drank some water and walked towards her bedroom.

1989-1990 Bandipore Kashmir

“If there is a heaven on Earth, then it is here” It is said of Kashmir  which is completely true.
Snowy glaciers, pristine lakes, picturesque mountains, dense forests,  gushing rivers, green meadows……..everything about Kashmir is beautiful. 
The Chinar trees, whose leaves change colour to red, yellow and amber during  autumn is truly a majestic beauty.  

Wullar lake, the largest fresh water lake is in Bandipore district.  A few kilometers away from the lake was the ancestral house of Shankar Pandit. He had lived all his life in Kashmir.  His grandfather had started a dryfruits business and the legacy had passed on to him.  He now lived in this house with his wife Gowri and his daughter…..Sunidhi. Gowri taught at the local school.

Faisal’s family, who lived, a few houses apart were their closest friends.  The differences in their religious beliefs never mattered to them and they had always coexisted peacefully, in complete harmony. They took part in each other’s rituals and celebrations. Faisal had a son named Zain who was few years elder to Sunidhi.  They had grown up together and  went to the same school together. For Zain, Sunidhi was the little sister he never had and he was protective about her. Sunidhi adored him and followed him like a lamb everywhere.

The idllyic life they were leading wasn’t meant to last forever.  There were occasional reports of some violence or protests earlier which never affected them.  But in the late eighties Kashmir valley faced a lot of insurgency.  The separatists wanted to liberate Muslim majority Kashmir. Islamic fundamentalism was emerging as the dominant theme.  Kashmiri Pandits were staunch nationalists and considered to be Indian agents.  Urban centers had turned into terror hubs.  Rioting whipped up passions among the majority  Muslim locals.  Geared with exclusionist religious passion, generously flowing funds to hardliner mosques and clerics and support of the disgruntled Muslim United Front politicians, Pakistani trained terrorists launched an exodus plan.  Posters were placed on the homes of Kashmiri Hindus and mosques used loudspeakers  to ask them to leave their homes or face death by bullet.  The targeted killings rose sharply in the month of January 1990.

Now the violence had reached their peaceful town too.   An acquaintance of his was killed and Shankar Pandit, fearing the attacks, had planned to go to Jammu the next day and was busy clearing his shop.  Gowri went to the bank to withdraw her salary.  Zain and Sunidhi were playing outside his home.  They heard loud voices and footsteps in the alley and crouched behind the mud wall.  They sat huddled and peered through a hole in the wall.  Suddenly they heard a woman’s scream.  It was Gowri returning from the bank. She became the target of the rioters. They pulled her by her hair, snatched her purse, disrobed her, robbed her modesty and finally set her on fire.  Gowri’s screams went unheard, everyone were  scared  for their life and did not dare to step outside.  Probably if  Faisal was there, he would have intervened. But it was unfortunate that he had gone to the city.  Sunidhi’s eyes widened as she witnessed the horror unfold.   Zain quickly covered Sunidhi’s mouth to prevent her from screaming. He was scared if they found out their hiding place, she would meet the same fate.  Unable to bear the gruesome act she had witnessed, Sunidhi had fainted.  The beasts had left after they were done with their dastardly deed.  Zain half dragged her to the safety of his home.

Shankar returned from his shop  to see the gory scene and wailed, beating his chest. He cursed himself for letting Gowri go to the bank.  The attackers had fled but Shankar now  feared for the safety of his daughter.  Faisal too had returned and  sheltered him in his home and in the dark of the night, helped him to escape along with Sunidhi to Jammu.  Shankar and Sunidhi lived in the refugee camp there for some months.  Sunidhi was in a state of shock and hardly spoke to anyone.   Seeing the pitiable conditions of the refugee camps and worried about Sunidhi’s future,  he planned to migrate to Delhi and he was lucky to find a Sikh gentleman who helped him.

Shankar had some gold ornaments of Gowri with him.  He sold them and started his business afresh.  Sunidhi had grown up overnight.   The trauma she had experienced made her withdraw into a shell. Shankar did his best to make up for the absence of her mother.  He enrolled her into a nearby school and Sunidhi found some solace in it.   She never talked to anyone  lest they ask her any questions about the past……something which she desperately wanted to forget.   Shankar lost touch with his home town as most of his relatives had migrated from the valley. He did occasionally think about Faisal but had no means to contact him.  Father and daughter never ever discussed the happenings of that fateful day, when Gowri became a victim to religious fanatics. It was like they had chosen to bury the past.

Sunidhi immersed herself in studies and learnt to do household chores. Though she missed her mother and Zain terribly, she refused to dwell on it.  Shutting out all memories was her way of dealing with the grief. She completed her schooling and later went on to pursue a degree in finance and passed out in flying colours.  She also got placed in a bank immediately after college.

Just as things seemed to be going well, another tragedy struck. Shankar passed away in a freak accident, leaving her all alone to cope with the vagaries of life.  When the bank offered her a promotion with a transfer to Mumbai,  she jumped at the chance.  A change of scene would do well for her to come to terms with the loss of her father.  She sold her father’s business and moved to Mumbai to make a fresh start.

Life in Mumbai was very different……very busy and chaotic allowing her no time to mope around.  Travelling by the local train to the bank, her work there and household chores kept her very busy.  She was soon recognised as a very efficient worker and earned respect from her colleagues and customers.

Sumeet, who ran a business was a regular customer to the bank.  He noticed that while Sunidhi was very polite and efficient,  she rarely smiled. Her eyes reflected a sadness which made him curious.  He was drawn to her and wished to know her better.  Fate provided him a chance.   One day, he had come to the bank just before the closing hours and it had been pouring for the last few hours.  Mumbai rains are notorious and the local trains had been cancelled during to severe water logging. Sunidhi had finished for the day and was looking  worried about reaching home. Sumeet had a car and offered to drop her. She was hesitant at first but she knew she had no choice and agreed half heartedly.  

Sumeet tried to broach a conversation with her but she answered only in monosyllables. They had gone for two kilometers when they encountered a road block. A huge tree had fallen and traffic was held up.  Sumeet, taking advantage of the situation, persuaded her to spend some time in a restaurant,  till the roads were cleared.  Sunidhi was forced to agree and they went to a coffee shop.

Sipping hot coffee, Sumeet had told her about his life. His family originally hailed from a city in Rajasthan but had migrated to Mumbai many years ago. His parents  had recently decided to move back to their city to spend their remaining life in peace, away from Mumbai’s maddening crowd.  After much prodding, Sunidhi revealed that she lived in Delhi before and after her parents death in an accident, she had moved to Mumbai.  She was  all alone with no family.  Noticing she was not comfortable, Sumeet decided not to probe further and spoke about his interest in music.   Sunidhi too was musically inclined and it set them talking. He  later dropped her home.

Gradually their acquaintance grew into a steady companionship.  After a year of knowing her,  Sumeet proposed to her.  Sunidhi had learnt to be comfortable  around him and agreed.  They had got married in his hometown with no one from the bride’s side.  Sunidhi had maintained that she was an orphan  with no immediate family. After the wedding, Sunidhi had moved back to Mumbai and his home.

With the birth of Aditi, her life seemed blissful and Sunidhi  had thought that she has successfully buried her traumatic past till today when she saw Zain. She was reminded of a quote she had read in the novel ‘The Kite Runner ‘by Khaled Hosseini 
“I remember the precise moment, crouching behind a crumbling mud wall, peeking into the alley near the frozen creek. That was a long time ago, but it’s wrong what they say about the past, I’ve learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out.”

Sunidhi woke up screaming in the middle of the night.  Her whole body was drenched in sweat. Sumeet tried comforting her but she looked distraught.  She slept fitfully through the night and woke up looking pale  and withdrawn. He tried to find out the cause but Sunidhi told him that she just had a bad dream which she couldn’t recall in the morning.   He wasn’t convinced but let it be.  She continued to be lost in thought  always and went around doing things mechanically.  Few days later there was parents teacher meeting at Aditi’s school.  Sunidhi who used to always attend refused to go and asked Sumeet to attend.  That day evening Sumeet casually mentioned about having met Aadil’s father Zain and that they hailed from Kashmir.  Sunidhi’s face turned pale and looked shaken. She again had a nightmare that night.

Sumeet, who had been observing her for some days felt she  was stressed and overworked and probably deserved a break. Later that night, after dinner he broached the topic about going on a vacation to Kashmir to beat the heat. She refused outrightly and he could see the fear in her eyes. He was taken aback by her strong reaction.  Sunidhi had  again woken up screaming that night, which left him very concerned.

Over the next few months when it was repeated, he decided she needed medical evaluation.   A detailed health check up was done which showed no problems.  The physician felt she needed  the help of a psychiatrist. Very reluctantly she agreed to meet  Dr Vivek.  The doctor had told Sumeet that it would be better if Sunidhi came alone.   In the first session he asked her a few general questions about her family, her parents and childhood. She told him that she had lived in Delhi before and had lost her parents in an accident. The doctor  could make out that she wasn’t very comfortable talking  about the past.  There was something which was troubling her but he couldn’t place his finger on it.  

Few sessions later,  Dr Vivek called Sumeet
“ I am afraid Sunidhi is not opening up much. But I need to know something . Is there some common factor, a trigger in all her episodes that causes her nightmares. Have you noticed anything of that sort?”
“Hmmmmm …….let me think. I have noticed that whenever Kashmir is mentioned, she gets agitated” said Sumeet.
The doctor thanked him for the information and decided to use it in his next session.

On her next visit,  Dr Vivek  told Sunidhi,
“ We will play a game. I will give you a word. You need to tell me what you associate it with. Let us begin
Aditi ………..happiness 
Sumeet……….love
Mountains……….snow
Kashmir ……..violence.

Dr Vivek immediately caught hold of it and began questioning her
“Kashmir is supposed to be the heaven on Earth. Why are associating it with violence ?”
“ For an outsider it may seem so, but not for someone who has lived there “
“Have you lived in Kashmir before? Have you seen the violence before?”
“ Yes I  have “ Sunidhi said unknowingly caught in the flow.
“Tell me about it” he prodded.
With his gentle coaxing, Sunidhi finally revealed her story………her idyllic childhood in Kashmir spent with Zain, the insurgency movement, she witnessing  her mother meeting a gory end at the hands of the rioters,  Faisal helping them to escape, days in the refugee camp and life in Delhi thereafter and finally her father’s death.  As she narrated the incidents tears flowed from her eyes.  But she felt a weight had lifted from her chest.  She had never shared her past with anyone  and had carried the burden of horror all alone.  Dr Vivek listened very patiently to her out burst and then consoling her, asked her to return home.  He now understood the cause for her nightmares. Sunidhi’s subconscious mind associated Kashmir  with the traumatic past.  Everything was fine until she saw Zain.  Subsequent mention of Kashmir had triggered the fear in the corner of her brain, where she had buried memories of the horror she had witnessed.  All the forgotten memories had come back to haunt her, unleashing a fear and causing her the nightmares.

Dr Vivek then called Sumeet the next day and told him all that Sunidhi had revealed.  Sumeet was at first shocked and then pained to know about her traumatic past.  The doctor then  asked him if they were open to hypnotherapy which would help to cure her condition.  Sumeet had no clue what it meant. The doctor asked them both to see him the next day and he would explain about it in detail.  

Sumeet finished the call and went in search of Sunidhi.   She was seated in the bedroom listening to music.   He went near her,  held her in his arms  and gently stroked her head. Sunidhi was surprised by this sudden show of affection and looked at him questioningly.
“Dr Vivek had called. He told me everything.   Why didn’t you tell me anything in all these years?. You have been alone carrying the burden. I would have gladly shared your pain.”
“That was a closed chapter which I wished to forget.  I thought by burying the memories  and not talking about it, I could no longer feel the pain. I did not want to recall the horror. I guess I was successful till I saw Zain.  It was then I realised that memories cannot be wiped out completely, they are just buried in a corner.  I am so sorry.”she sobbed.
Sumeet consoled her and told that the doctor had suggested hypnotherapy. 
They visited the doctor the next evening.  The doctor sat them down and explained,
“Hypnosis, also called hypnotherapy, is a state of deep relaxation and focused concentration. It’s a type of mind-body medicine. I will guide you into this deep state of focus and relaxation with verbal clues, repetition and imagery.  When you are under hypnosis,your conscious mind is quieted 
You’re able to tap into the part of your brain where your thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, sensations, emotions, memory and behaviors originate. My gentle guidance will help you replace the  unconscious thoughts that are responsible for your nightmares. Hypnotherapy helps treat any number of medical conditions in which psychological factors influence physical symptoms. It may require more than one session. Why don’t you both go home, think about it and then let me know”

Sumeet and Sunidhi came home and discussed it.  Sumeet wanted her to somehow  get over her fears and sleep peacefully.  There was nothing to lose in opting for the treatment. So they agreed upon it and informed the doctor.   Dr Vivek wanted to start the process at the earliest and asked her to come the next day. When Sunidhi went the next evening,  she was feeling very nervous.  The doctor calmed her down and began the procedure.

He asked her to lie down on the couch. He asked her to close her eyes and focus on her breathing.   
“Breathe in to the count of seven and breathe out to the count of eleven. Tighten your muscles as you breathe in and relax them  as you breathe out.
Focus only on your breathing and feel your body relaxing.”
He watched her breathe steadily in a rhythmic pattern. Satisfied he continued to take her into a deeper level.
“Now  imagine you are slowly sinking into a soft bed”
“ Now let us go to your childhood  in Kashmir.  It is a beautiful place and you are happy in the company of your parents and Zain. 
Zain is affectionate towards you and considers you as his little sister.  You have an idyllic childhood “ he continued to drone softly.
Dr Vivek repeatedly tried to change her association of Kashmir and Zain with violence and her mother’s death.  He reinforced the idea of Kashmir being a lovely place with lovely memories of her parents  and Zain. Sunidhi heard his words in a trance like state.  After some time he asked her to open her eyes and slowly get up.

After a few more sessions, Sunidhi began to  slowly notice the changes.   She started to read about Kashmir and watched images.  As she saw the picture of the placid water of the Wullar Lake, she was filled with a deep sense of calm. The burden she was carrying seemed to have melted away and she felt more lighter and happier. Sumeet too was relieved to see her happy and the nightmares had also stopped.  He wanted Sunidhi to  meet Zain and resume their relationship.

But it took her some more time to muster the courage to take the step. She called Hafisa and invited them for dinner.  When  they arrived, Sunidhi had her eyes fixed on Zain and softly called out
“Zain Bhai”
Zain stood dumbstruck and stared at her until  realisation dawned. His eyes widened in surprise.
“ Is that really you Nidhi?
(he always called  her Nidhi instead of Sunidhi)
She nodded her head, overcome with emotions.
“Let us go inside and talk”  said Sumeet leading them in. Hafisa looked clueless about the entire thing. Sunidhi gathered herself and made the introductions including her long standing association  with Zain.  

“ I still can’t believe it is you I am seeing . I had given up all hope of seeing you again. “
“ Neither did I think  that I  would meet you again.” replied Sunidhi.
The Sunidhi continued to relate everything that had happened from the time they had escaped to Jammu……life in the refugee camp, migrating to Delhi, completing her education, getting a bank job, Shankar’s death in a freak accident,  her moving to Mumbai,  meeting  Sumeet,  her wedding, Aditi’s birth and finally seeing him on the night of Aditi’s birthday. 
“ Why didn’t you talk to me then if you recognised me?” asked Zain.
Sumeet then went on to tell about how she had fainted,  her subsequent nightmares  and then her treatment over the months which had finally cured her
“ I  wanted to wipe out completely the memory of that terrible day. It was my way of dealing with the grief.  I wanted to do nothing with anything related to Kashmir. All my bad memories were associated with it. Seeing you that night triggered those memories which I thought were safely buried which in turn continued to torment me through the nightmares. Hypnotherapy helped me to change my association  with Kashmir.  Now I don’t link the trauma of what I have witnessed to either Kashmir or you”. Sunidhi said with a tinge of sadness in her voice.
“ Neither can I forget what I witnessed on that fateful day.  I was ridden with guilt for many years as I felt I was a mute spectator and did nothing to avert it.  But then again a small boy would have been no match for a group of armed rioters.  I always thought about you in all these years and wondered about your whereabouts.  My father did try contacting the refugee camp in Jammu, but they had no details about you” added Zain wistfully.
“ Where and how are your parents ? I would like to meet them once.” Sunidhi said 
“They are very much in the same house in the same place we grew up.  I was working in Srinagar all these years but was transferred last year to Mumbai.  They are getting old and I don’t want to leave them alone. I have pleaded with them to move in with me here,  but they have refused saying they want to spend their twilight years in the place they have lived all their life. I cannot force them. The mad chaotic life of Mumbai can no way be compared to their peaceful existence in Bandipore.”
“Hmmm…..I can understand.  My parents too have settled in my native place in Rajasthan and refuse to come here” said Sumeet.

Their talks continued over dinner.  Hafisa too hailed from Kashmir and could empathize with what Sunidhi had undergone.  Sumeet watched Sunidhi as she was talking to Zain.  Her face was flushed with excitement and her eyes shone. He felt happy to see the easy camaraderie between them. Zain and Sunidhi had so much to catch up on and it was like they picked up from where they had left.  Finally it was time for Zain and Hafisa to leave and they bid goodbye with a promise to  soon meet again. That day Sunidhi slept very peacefully, she had found a part of her family, her childhood.

Aadil and Aditi got to know about their parents being childhood friends and were very excited. A month later Zain invited Sunidhi’s family to his house. The foursome along with the kids got along like a house on fire  and spent time  some lovely time together.  Zain spoke about going to  Kashmir  at the end of the month, when the schools would be closed for their annual vacation. He asked if Sunidhi was willing to come along. Aditi and Aadil started  jumping in joy at the prospect. Sumeet looked at Sunidhi questioningly.  She looked uncertain and said she would think about it. They returned home happily  tired.

As she lay on the bed, she seemed lost in thought. 
“ Are you really ready to go to Kashmir? It is perfectly fine if you say no.  I don’t want to risk you getting upset” asked Sumeet with concern
“ I  don’t know.  I so want to show Aditi  and you all the places of my childhood and the beauty of Kashmir.  But at the same time I feel apprehensive.  But knowing that Zain will be with us is a source of comfort.” 
“ Go to sleep now. You can decide about it in the morning” said Sumeet yawning.

The next morning Sunidhi woke up bright.  There was a new found confidence in her demeanour.  She told Sumeet and Aditi that they would be joining Zain’s family for the Kashmir trip.  Aditi couldn’t contain her excitement.  Sunidhi later called Zain and informed him about her decision.  He was very happy.

The day of the travel arrived and they all flew from Mumbai to  Srinagar.   Sumeet had planned to stay in a hotel in Srinagar for few days and then later visit Zain.   They spent the next  two days visiting all the touristy places in Srinagar.  They took a shikara ride in the famous Dal lake,  visited  the Tulips and Mughal garden.  They even managed to stay on a houseboat for a day.   The next day they took a taxi to Bandipore. As they neared Sunidhi looked out of the window  to take in  the familiar sights.  But a lot had changed since she had left. Even Zain’s house had been renovated . They were warmly welcomed by Faisal. His wife hugged Sunidhi and shed tears of joy on seeing her after so many years. Aditi and Aadil ran away to explore the place.  Hafisa offered them refreshments and they spent time recalling the good old days.  Then Sunidhi decided she had to take a look at the place where her house stood. Zain and Sumeet volunteered to  accompany her.  They walked slowly towards the house. It had been pulled down and in its place was a new modern house.  She gazed it wistfully  and then walked to the spot where the mud wall had once been. With Zain and Sumeet, holding her each hand she stood there  mourning in silence. Tears flowed from her eyes. She had to grieve, it was the closure she required.