VAIBHAV

I step out of the office, ever conscious of her presence beside me.

The day is as dark and somber as my mood. It has started raining heavily. I realize too late that I haven’t brought an umbrella.

I start to worry about Esha, but then I remember that she came in her car. She’s no longer yours anymore to worry or care about, a nasty voice whispers in my mind.

Whether she is mine or not, I will never NOT worry about or care for her. She is my sunlight, the ray of hope to the perpetual night that ever reigns in my heart.

I risk a side-glance at her. She looks calm and subdued. She usually is. While I have always taken pride in being logical and rational, I have to admit that she is the saner one between us, the one who stays calm and centered throughout the storm.

I tend to fly off my handle. One of the reasons we both decided to go our separate ways.

Or YOU decided, and she just had to give in. There’s that venomous voice again. I ignore it studiously and gaze out on the road, wondering when the rains would stop so that I can leave as soon as possible.

I don’t want to leave.

I don’t want to stay.

I want to run away as fast as I can.

I want to linger behind and ensure that she is okay.

I know she will be. It will take time, but she will be fine.

It amazes me that while I had been the one rooting for the divorce and she had fought tooth and nail to save our marriage, I am the one crumbling now with grief while she looks her supreme confident self. How did it come to this??

For a terrible moment, doubts cloud my mind, making me rethink my decision. I wipe my hand over my face to expel them. I cannot look back now.

It is done. It is finished.

I wonder why she is still waiting. Then I see her take out an umbrella from her handbag.

“Take this,” she says gently. “I knew you would forget to bring an umbrella. I brought two of them.”

I take the umbrella and try to hide the slight tremor in my hand. I need to leave before I crumble in front of her. “Thanks.” I say, clearing my throat. “Esha, I… I am sorry. I hope you get all the happiness that you truly deserve.”

Such lame words, and yet I congratulate myself for sounding so practical and off.

She nods and smiles. “Have a good life, Vaibhav.” She opens her umbrella and walks towards the parking lot. She never looks back.

I want to run after her and hug her. I want to apologize for hurting her. I want to tell her that she was the only bright spot of my life and there is now only darkness in my wake.

Instead, I stand and watch her leave my life silently.

One good thing – she doesn’t turn back. So I don’t have to hide the tears.

ESHA

It takes me forever to reach my car. I deserve a pat on my back for not giving in to the temptation to look back and ensure that Vaibhav is fine.

While I know that he will be eventually, I also know that he is grieving.

I sigh. There is nothing I can really do about it now.

I close the umbrella and open the door of the car. Once inside, I relish the warmth and the gentle aroma of the car perfume.

Pine. His favorite scent. His last gift to me before I agreed for the divorce.

Those days… some of the worst of my life. Constant arguments, break-downs, his pleas for divorce, my stubborn refusal to give up on our marriage… how is everything so calm now that it has ended?

I sit with a blank mind, not exactly wanting to start the car. I do not wish to go home. On second thoughts, can I call it my ‘home’? It was home when we both were together. It ceased being a home when he moved out.

It will not be a home now. Just a flat.

The rain has picked up pace. I watch it wistfully, wishing that there was something that would cleanse my heart, the way the rains were cleansing the road ahead. I switch on my mobile. It suddenly feels of no use anymore. What will I do with all the other people in my life when the only one I wanted will no longer contact me?

A string of notifications brings me out of my befuddled state. I check the screen and feel warm all of a sudden.

The FRIENDS group is active. It was created by Mansi and has Chhavi, Rajitha and myself. We all grew up together, went to the same school, went to different colleges but have always been together all these decades. They wanted to accompany me today but I had refused.

Just one day, I wanted it to be Vaibhav and me. Both of us together just one last time.

I open the group chat.

Chhavi: Stay strong, girl. You can do this.

Rajitha: Just tell us if you need help burying the body.

Mansi: Rajitha! Don’t mind her, @Esha. We all are there with you. Tell us when you are ready to talk. We will be there. You are not alone.

Rajitha’s remark brings a nervous chuckle. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. The breakdown finally occurs. The damn breaks.

My head drops on the car’s steering wheel and the tears fall. All my efforts of saving my marriage finally catch up with me as heavy sobs rack my body.

Even as I cry from the very depths of my soul, I know that there is no coming back from this kind of grief.

VAIBHAV

Frankly I don’t feel like eating. I have been getting by on energy bars since three days. I sit at the dining table and stare at the pasta I ordered, not really wanting to eat it.

I wonder whether Esha is eating properly.

Is she better?

Is she still grieving?

Will her friends be around her? Of course they will be. Unlike me, Esha has a huge social circle but I know for sure that just the three of her closest friends would be around her now. No doubt, cursing me to death.

I slightly chuckle thinking about Rajitha. We never got along and I do not want to know the names she would be calling me.

They say, opposites attract. I think that is exactly what happened between Esha and me. I was the quintessential introvert, wanting to be on my own, surrounded by just silence and solitude, and she was the radiant extrovert, brightening up the lives of everyone she met with her beauty, grace and kindness.

There’s a tell-tale switch in my mind that lets me know that my social meter has been tried to its optimum use, and that it is time for me to retract. I feel suffocated all of a sudden, I start looking here and there restlessly, as if trying to find an escape. But most of all, the noises around me seem to magnify a hundred-fold.

I spot a door on the corner of the hall that opens out to a balcony. It is blissfully empty at the moment. I rush towards it, almost run.

I step out on the balcony and quickly close the door. As I walk around, I startle someone.

“Oh sorry, I didn’t know there was someone here.” I say.

The lady visibly relaxes and gives a nervous chuckle. “No it’s okay. For a while I thought you were…” she shakes her head and smiles.

Everything about her is – bright. There is no other word to describe. From her dress that is a bright shade of blue, to her glossy hair, glowing skin and eyes that just sparkle – she is brightness and beauty personified.

“Are you hiding from someone?” I ask against my better judgement.

She looks at the hall and then at me. “From whose side are you attending the wedding?”

“The groom is my twice-removed cousin.”

“Oh, okay. I am from the bride’s side and there is this guy I don’t even know who has been pestering me ever since he saw me. Keeps asking for my number. There are only so many times one can refuse politely.”

I frown. “You shouldn’t be hiding and missing out on the wedding just because of some freak. Come on inside, I will be there beside you. Let me see if he dares to approach you again.”

She smiles and puts forth her hand. “I am Esha.”

“Vaibhav.” I say and marvel at how soft her hand feels in my own.

Far too soon for my liking, she withdraws her hand and gestures me to enter the hall.

There was this insane need inside me to protect her, even though I had just met her. I have never felt like that ever. I have never spoken to anyone else the way I spoke to her that day. I was beside her the whole time, wanting to spend more time with her and to rip off the photographer who had dared to trouble her.

I drop my head into my hands. We have come a long way since that day.

We got married a year after that fateful meeting. It was all roses in the beginning. But time and familiarity caught up with us eventually.

We both were not really happy together. But two people can be unhappy with each other and still be in love.

I log into my social media and check her photo. Her profile picture is still the one with both of us smiling into the camera. Or rather, she is smiling while I am pretending to look less intimidating. I am not a natural when it comes to photographs. On the other hand, Esha looks like she is born for it.

Just another of the many differences that we had.

I wonder whether she is also looking at my social media profile. She probably is.

I keep the phone on the table with a heavy heart. Looks like there is another thing I need to do that will hurt her even more. Why has it come upon me, the onus of ending things once and forever??  

ESHA

‘Hi. This is Vaibhav. We met at the wedding.’

I smile as I see his text.

It has been two days since the eventful wedding and Vaibhav has not left my mind for even a second. I keep thinking about him.

He never left my side that day, true to his word. I felt so protected. Everywhere I went, I could feel his solid presence beside me. Tall. Wheatish and handsome. The five-o-clock shadow on his face lent him an alpha kind of look.

I have always been a sucker for stubble. Vaibhav carries it well and how!

I hastily type a reply. ‘Hi… it’s great to hear from you.’

‘Are you free tonight? I was hoping we could have dinner at The Plaza restaurant. Or any restaurant you suggest.’

I cannot curb the smile on my face. ‘The Plaza seems fine. Yes, I am free and I can make it for dinner tonight.’

‘Great. Shall we meet there by 7?’

‘Sure.’

‘Okay then. Will see you tonight.’

I hug the mobile to my chest, feeling giddy with happiness.

How can things crumble like this in a short period of time?!

One fine day you are at a beach with your husband of three years, enjoying the waves and the breeze. A week later, he says he wants a divorce not just because it is not him who is unhappy, but according to him, both of us are simply lagging through the marriage.

Had it been so? Looking back now, I do remember that at the beach, I had hoped that there would be some more romance between us. My friends often commented that I had changed after marriage, that I am making a lot of compromises.

I never felt so until he told me. Even then it never crossed my mind to give up on our relationship.

I feel restless and I log into my social media profile. I need to look at him.

I get the shock of my life when I do not see his name in my friend list. I hastily search for his profile but do not get any results.

He has deactivated his social profile.

I quickly check his Whatsapp profile. I can see neither his photo nor any data about him.

He has blocked me.

“YOU CANNOT BE THE ONE MAKING ALL THE DECISIONS!!!” I shout and throw the mobile over the bed. Then I flop down on the bed and cry my heart out as he burns the only contact I had with him.

VAIBHAV

I come home with a lightness in my step.

There is a new project for me to work upon. That is the exciting part of my job as a software engineer. I went to the supermarket and brought a new notepad, some markers and lots of pens.

This is one of my pet peeves. Nothing delights me more than starting something new. I have already signed off from all possible social events in the office. I do not want to be disturbed at all.

“Thank God you came!” Esha says, looking very pretty in a sequined saree and matching accessories.

“Wow! You look gorgeous. Where are you off to?”

She huffs and gives me that look that says that she finds me unbelievable. “You cannot have forgotten! I told you just last week! It is my uncle’s birthday and we have to be there in an hour!”

I try my best to hide my disappointment. I had grand plans of getting started on my project. “Do I have to attend?”

She raises her eyebrows at me wordlessly.

I exhale and nod. “I will freshen up. Give me ten minutes.”

I really don’t want to do this. Social gatherings are not my thing. Plus, I have the project to work on.

But it is Esha. I cannot refuse her anything. Half-heartedly I get ready for the function.

ESHA

I wish Vaibhav wasn’t so transparent about his reluctance. Everyone is enjoying and having a great time. But he is lost somewhere in his own world, not contributing anything to the conversations or really mingling with anyone.

I feel torn about leaving him alone on his own and ignoring my family members. I try really hard to balance my time. It is taxing on my nerves.

I stand beside him and watch my cousins dance. I wish I could join them. But Vaibhav is clearly uncomfortable and I do not want to leave him on his own.

“You can join them.” He says gently. “I know you like to dance.”

I smile at him. “No it is okay. I don’t really want to.” Even as I say this, my cousin raises his hand and gestures me to join in the dance. I smile and shake my head. He looks at Vaibhav for a second and then resumes dancing.

Vaibhav shifts in his place. There was a judgmental look on my cousin’s face when he had stared at Vaibhav.

I sigh. May be I should not force him to attend family events. It is not something he likes.

VAIBHAV

“Esha… say something.” I tell her after dropping the worst news of her life onto her.

The visit to the beach did it.

Honestly I do not like going to the beach. There’s something about the sand that makes me feel itchy, as if it is all over me. Then there is the saline in the air. I can feel it in my skin. May be there’s something wrong with me but I don’t visit the beach. Never.

But of course, Esha loves it. So I went along.

Looking back, it has always been so. I like something, she comes along. She likes something, I go along. Neither of us happily doing anything together.

At the beach, Esha was enjoying the feeling of waves crashing over her feet. I was standing a bit farther from the waves and watching everything around me in total dispassion.

A couple walked by. They were holding hands. The guy said something and the girl threw back her head and laughed.

My eyes fell upon Esha. She was watching the couple too and there was an expression of intense longing on her face. That expression both broke my heart as well as clarified things.

We were nothing like a couple in love. We just adjusted, getting along together day by day. All the events of the past three years caught up with me, and I realized what a blunder our marriage was.

So here I am, standing in front of Esha, having just told her that our marriage was not working, and that we need to part ways.

She just listened to my rant wide-eyed, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. My voice breaks several times with emotion, but I tell her.

She shakes her head slowly. “No.” That is the only word she says.

But I know she will have to agree. It is for her own good.

ESHA

No. No. No!

This keeps repeating in my mind on a loop, even as Vaibhav keeps spouting off nonsense, about how we both aren’t really happy, how both of keep compromising again and again, and how it would be better for both of us if we parted ways now.

We have been married for three years. Three! How can we not stay together? I love him, from the very depths of my heart. How can I let him go? This would be a big mistake, us parting ways. We are made to stay together forever. I will not let him go.

I will not end my marriage without a fight. It deserves to be fought for.

I keep shaking my head for everything he says.

Then he finally gets frustrated and holds my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. His eyes have welled up, and there is some strange emotion on his face.

“You have to understand; it is for our own good.” He says firmly. I hate that there is no tremor in his voice.

I again shake my head. His hands drop and find their place at the back of his neck.

VAIBHAV

How can I make her understand? She is making this so difficult.

I feel like a monster as I see her eyes brimming with unshed tears. I hate myself as I see the grief and shock on her face.

But how can she not be willing for this?! I can see how the compromises and adjustments we both have been making are getting on our nerves. She stopped taking me to any family functions or to meet her friends. I stopped bringing my work home, even though on some days, my productivity meter is really high and I would have greatly benefitted by working on it. I rather spend time with her, and it is not even quality time. She suggests some movie to watch and I go along with her. She snuggles up on the couch beside me and watches the movie while I try either to stay awake or keep thinking about the next step in my project.

How can she not understand that this marriage is not working? Why is she not willing to give up?!

Why am I the villain in our story, forcing her to quit on a relationship that is not beneficial to either of us!?

She just keeps shaking her head for everything I say. I finally chin up.

Even if it means breaking her heart, I will do it for her peaceful future.

“I am moving out, Esha.” I say, hoping she doesn’t notice the tremor on my tone. She gasps and the tears fall down finally. I turn my face away. I cannot look at her. Otherwise I will break down.

“Let us spend some time aloof. Sort of a temporary separation, until you accept the fact that we are going our separate ways.”

She is sobbing openly now. I ignore her as well as the pain in my own heart and start packing a suitcase. She tries to speak but her sobs do not allow her to. I pack sufficient stuff and when I am done, I stand in front of her.

I hug her, feeling the sobs that shake her frame. “You will realize that this is for your own good. Try to think over it practically, Esha. I am sorry for everything. But trust me, you will be glad when this is over.”

She holds me a bit tighter. I allow her this tiny comfort and after a while, I slowly ease myself from her hold. She doesn’t look at me when I leave.

Good for me. I cannot handle any more grief without breaking down.

ESHA

How do you dress up when you know that your date can end in a tragedy?

Revised question - can you call meeting-your-separated-spouse a date??

It's been a month. One whole month of pure grief, despair and loneliness. I will never understand what made Vaibhav take such drastic steps. 

Sure there are more tense moments in our marriage than happy ones. But doesn't every relationship go through several ups and downs? Vaibhav feels I am compromising. I feel I am not doing enough to keep this relationship going. I want him to be happy. 

And I want to be happy again. Like we were in the initial days of our relationship.

I sigh and put on a simple dress. It gives very breezy vibes. I will need all the breeze in the world to get through this date.

He wasn’t even willing to meet me. He kept saying that he has already moved out, we have already separated and stuff like that. I refuse to listen to his words. They hurt me.

I will not give up on this marriage. I will not surrender without a fight. For this marriage is worth it.

Vaibhav is worth it.

With a deep breath, I give myself one final look in the mirror and nod confidently. I can do this.

VAIBHAV

I can see that she is stalling. There's a nervous energy around her. She is smiling too forcefully, laughing a bit louder than usual and talking away without a break. 

I cannot allow her to become this person. This is not her. She is confident, calm and strong. The one sitting before me is a nervous wreck, a weaker version of her. 

"Hey, you know... This funny incident happened at my office." She says and starts laughing. There's a slightly hysterical edge to her laughter.

I reach out for her hand and grasp it firmly. "Esha...stop. You need to calm down." I say gently. 

All her pretense disappears within a second. Her shoulders slump. "I am scared of what you are going to say." She whispers. 

It takes all my will-power to not to give in to the grief that her statement brings to me. Rather I convince myself that this is just another reason that we cannot be together. I am hurting her badly, and she will be happy only when I let her go. 

"Don't be scared." I tell her softly. "Listen, you need to accept the fact that we both are not made for each other. We are polar opposites, Esha. I am not happy doing what you want me to do, and you do a lot of compromises for me which, in the long run, will catch up with you and make you regret being with me."

"But I love you!" She says, sobbing the last word out. 

I tighten my hold on her hand, feeling her pain pierce through my heart. "I know. And I love you. But just love is not enough, is it?" 

She leans her head and places it on my hand for a while. Then she straightens herself and wipes her eyes. Takes a sip of water and asks coolly. "Is there really nothing I can say or do that will change your decision to part ways?" 

I shake my head, not trusting my voice. 

She nods and exhales. "Then divorce it is." 

ESHA

Even in grief, time has a way of speeding up.

Six months have passed by since that fateful day when my life got upended. Although, the disaster was long due.

All the fights, the arguments, the grief – all culminated on one rainy day with a signature on a piece of paper that forever altered my life.

The mall is the last place I want to visit. And yet, it is Christmas eve and my friends wanted me to go with them.

I smile as I take in the decorations in the mall. It reminds me of the times when I and Vaibhav used to visit this place. I made it a point to visit this mall during festivals, for I absolutely loved the decorations and the festive aura here. Of course, Vaibhav was never fond of the crowd. But he would come, although sullenly.

It is strange that thinking about him is no longer reducing me to tears. It just brings a pang of longing in my heart. A longing that I can feel reducing day by day.

Sometimes I dread the day when I will no longer pine for him. Other times, I can’t wait enough for that moment.

“Hey, there’s going to be a dancing event here!” Rajitha says in excitement and brings me out of my reverie.

Oh no, there is no way I am dancing with her. That female thinks she knows how to dance but has no idea of how ridiculous she looks while dancing. Or maybe she knows but doesn’t care. I am vouching for the later.

She looks at each one of us and smirks. Before I know it, I am being dragged into the stage by the group.

My friends start dancing while I try really hard to curb the smile that threatens to break out on my face.

It is ultimately Rajitha who becomes my undoing. She does her favourite step, a ridiculous gesture that is both familiar and hilarious.

I can’t help it. Laughter bubbles from the very depth of my soul and I give way to it. My friends pause for a few seconds and look at me with silly grins. Then the party just explodes as all of us start dancing.

As I dance, I can feel the last visage of grief leave my heart. It is as if every part has been finally and thoroughly cleansed and I feel pure joy within – the joy of the festive season, the joy of having caring friends around me, and the joy of having come out of mourning and grief.

I will probably always love Vaibhav, but I know that I will be fine without him.

I am free from all the grief and the pain of the past six months, and I dance to show that.

VAIBHAV

She’s laughing. She’s actually laughing!

My eyes tear up. I want to run to her, hug her and soak in the joy that emanates from every fiber of her being today.

The joy that makes way for me too.

Frankly, I hadn’t planned to go to the mall. But somehow I found myself here, thinking about all the times Esha and I visited the mall. It was an unspoken rule of hers, that we would visit the mall during festivals. She liked the decorations and the joyful atmosphere. I disliked the crowds and hustle-bustle. But more or less we always came here.

I am glad I came here. I am glad that I chanced upon her. I was leaning by the railing on the second floor, looking at the crowd that had gathered on the ground floor. Someone was anchoring an event and suddenly my eyes fell upon Esha.

I can spot her in any crowd. I am that tuned to her.

As she laughs in gay abandon, I feel as free as her. I watch hungrily as she breaks into a dance. Graceful and lovely, my Esha.

This time the voice in my mind doesn’t correct me. I know that she will always be my Esha, the ray of sunshine that never fails to dispel every bit of darkness from my heart.

Even today she fills my being with joy and hope.

Her laughter, her joy and her healing – this was what I was hoping for all this while. As she laughs, a part of my heart heals. As I see her joyful, joy erupts in my heart too.

For a long while, I carried the image of her grief in my heart. But today, as I see her in her glorious and happy self, I finally forgive myself, allow my grief to exit and make way for peace in my heart.

Happiness? No. That always has been a foreign concept to me. I have never been happy, for happiness always come along with grief. But I trained myself to be content and at peace, both of which I lost when I broke Esha’s heart.

I look at her one more time. She is now dancing freely, giving a challenge to Rajitha. I feel a smile break out on my face after a long time.

Bye, my sunshine. Be your glorious self always.

I turn and walk away, my heart finally at peace.