Ashok

‘…Section 377 is unconstitutional as it infringes upon the rights of autonomy, intimacy…’

I eagerly skip past the heavily-legal sounding words and come to the part that matters to me. ‘…thus legalizing homosexuality’. I close my eyes in relief and hug the newspaper to my chest.

At the 35th year of my life, I feel a spark of hope for myself. Twenty years of masking myself slip away in this one instant. Unwittingly, tears form in my eyes. Twenty years! How will I ever get them back! Regrets of a teenage lost in hiding, embarrassment and shame catch up with me finally.

I was 15 years old when I identified myself as gay. If asked how I came to know about it, I will say that it was always at the back of my mind. I could never really understand other boys’ fascination with girls and girlfriends. I could never look at girls the way the other guys perceived them. I always felt as if something was wrong with me.

Then came Raghav. Tall and handsome, he captured my attention right at our first meeting when I met him in college. He was pursuing science stream just like me and we both ended up in the same class. When I met him first, it was as if some mist cleared from my heart and my soul shouted out, ‘This is the one for me!’. Everything about him fascinated me – his looks, his kind nature, his no-nonsense attitude and his positive outlook towards life.

I was the night, staying in perpetual darkness and he came into my life like the bright sun, bringing in warmth and sunshine.

I was certain about my feelings for him. One thing I was never certain about was whether he was gay, or whether he had any feelings for me. Sometimes I was almost certain that he too was gay, but often, I doubted that. He gave no indication of having any interest in guys or girls, for that matter. The only thing that interested him was science. He would talk for hours on a particular topic of science that interested him. I loved to watch him those times, because that was when he came to life.  His eyes would shine, expressing wonder and amazement.

And in those moments, I fell all the more in love with him.

We struck an unbreakable bond in the name of friendship, and it stayed that way all throughout college and the years that followed. He became a professor in the same college that we studied, while I joined a software firm as an IT engineer. We kept in touch with each other, regularly meeting on weekends, having conversations over the phone and going out on treks, an activity that we both loved.

Today, after all these years, I feel free to express myself.

Today, I want to confess my feelings for him.

Did I really need an approval from the court to love someone? No, I didn’t. But being gay isn’t as simple as easy as it sounds. In a society that operates through a fixed set of rules and regulations, it is so difficult to be different and to stand out. For years, I have felt as an abomination to nature, something so against what nature intended to be. Being gay wasn’t a matter of pride for me, it was shameful and embarrassing.

But today, I feel different. The order from the court to recognize homosexuality has reminded me that there are many like me, probably living masked lives and being untrue to their selves. Today, I feel accepted and recognized. Today, I am no longer ashamed of myself!

I feel an intense urge to see Raghav.

Raghav

There is something different about Ashok today. I realized it the moment he walked into the café. He looks confident. Usually he would try his best to lose himself in a crowd and try to be invisible. But today, it looks as if he wants the world to see him.

“Hey…” he says as he sits in the chair opposite to mine.

“Hey man… you sounded quite nervous over the phone. Is everything okay?” I ask him.  

He nods sheepishly while taking a sip of water. “Coffee with sandwich?”

“Do we order anything else here?” I ask him drily. He gives a shaky chuckle. “What is it, Ashok? You look anxious.”

He takes a deep breath. “Did you get the news about article 377?”

“Yes, I read about that. It… hold on a second.” I take out my phone that displays a call from my dad. “Hello. Yeah, I saw the news…. Appa, be careful. Elections are looming overhead. You cannot afford any controversy now. Do not say anything that stands against the verdict. Yes, I know your views… No, I won’t be making any statements. Just be cool about it, okay? Yeah, Bye.” I end the call and sigh heavily.

“So your father is still on for the LS elections?” Ashok asks me.

“Yeah. He had called regarding the news about article 377. No surprises that he is against it.” I chuckle. “He told me to not to make any stand for or against it. I am more worried about him.”

“But what is your stand about it, if I may ask? Just between us.” Ashok asks, a hint of steel in his voice.

“I am neutral to it, man. It’s not as if either of us have anything to do with the article. I have no intention of getting into such matters. It’s me and my job, as usual!” I stare at him for a moment. “Why do you ask?”

Ashok looks outside the window, his earlier enthusiasm replaced with a look of pure defeat. “Nothing. I asked just like that.”

“Okay…what did you want to talk about?” I prod him.

He exhales. “Nothing serious. I just wanted a break from home. You know how Daadi keeps emotionally blackmailing me to get married.”

We share an awkward laugh and the rest of the time goes on in silence. I see Ashok slowly retreating to his older self – a brooding expression on his face, looking lost and closed for everyone, and I can’t help thinking that it was something I said.

Ashok

“Sorry to keep you waiting.” Mithila says as she rushes out of her office. “The bloody manager assigned me some work right when I was about to leave.”

I can’t help smiling. But that is Mithila, always spreading cheer, smiles and joy around her. She has been my neighbor for more than two decades now. At 31 years of age, she is four years younger to me. For me she is still the same little girl with two cute ponytails who would follow me everywhere and who held not just my finger but my whole heart.

She knows my secret. It has changed nothing between us. I had blurted it out to her on my 25th birthday. Everyone in my family had been harping about relationships and marriage and I panicked. She found me in the lawn behind my home. In a moment of vulnerability and fear, I had confided in her. She made me laugh by simply shrugging in response.

“Hello!” She waves her hand in front of my face. “Where did you go just now?”

“Nowhere. Come on, I am hungry. Let’s have something to eat.” I usher her inside the café next to her office.

Mithila

“So let me get this straight.” I tell Ashok as we munch on burgers and fries. “You went to Raghav to express your love for him, and he gave all indications of not being gay? But I do not understand. Can’t you tell whether he is gay or not?”

“No. contrary to what they show in movies or shows, gay people are not flouncy or easily distinguishable, unless you see them in a Pride Parade. Look at me. Is there anything about me that screams that I am gay?”

I look at him and shake my head slowly. “Nope. Beats me.” I resume eating. “Have you both never talked about this? Does he know that you are gay?”

“For some reasons, we never spoke about this. I think he knows. Or maybe he doesn’t.” He stops eating and exhales heavily. “It feels like my whole life has been a lie. I do not anything for certain about him now. He turned into a stranger today.” He looks outside the window, a lost look on his face. “On top of it all, Daadi is behind me with vengeance, telling me to get married before she dies.”

I guffaw loudly. “That woman will outlive both of us.”

“I seriously don’t know what to do.” He says, now just playing with his food without eating.

I narrow my eyes thoughtfully at him. “Here’s an idea and you are free to reject it, but hear me out, okay.” I tell him my plan.

Raghav

“I won!” Appa declares when I walk into the dining room. “My party won the elections!”

He pats my shoulders enthusiastically while I congratulate him. Amma is about to walk into the kitchen to prepare some sweets when Appa holds her hand and stops her. He looks at both of us, a pensive expression on his face. “Listen, we need to be very cautious now. The media will keep an eye on us, hoping to come across any shortcoming that they can highlight to the public. Please, please ensure to stay in the good books of people and do not, I repeat, do not do anything that will harm our reputation. Do I have your cooperation in this?”

Amma gently presses her hand into Appa’s and shakes it with a smile and a nod. A nod is all that I can manage and I excuse myself under the pretext of getting ready for work.

In my room, the tears finally make way.

It has been two months of tears and agony, two months since that meeting with Ashok at the café.

I knew what he wanted to talk about. I know that he is gay. I know that he loves me. But there are many things that he doesn’t know and will probably never know.

He will never know that I love him.

He will never know for certain that I am gay. At least he will never hear it from me.

He will never know that the day I broke his heart with my nonchalant attitude towards article 377, the day when he was about to confess his feelings to me, was the same day that my heart broke beyond repair. I killed not just his joy but every ounce of joy from my life.

How could I tell him my feelings when I myself haven’t been able to accept them? It took me several years to come to terms with the fact that I am gay. My parents don’t know and they never will. All I told them was that I wanted to dedicate my life to my profession and there was no room for marriage. That itself raised a furor in home and took several days to abate.

Now that Appa is MLA, and given his views about article 377, I have absolutely no chance of coming open before him. Although Appa is quite old-fashioned in his views, he has a good heart and has struggled a lot to reach where he is now. He has grand plans for development and growth of the state and I do not want to do anything that will come in the way of his plans.

I tried my best to discourage Ashok. I have always maintained a cordial yet formal relationship with him, even though that was just not what my heart wanted. I have never given him any indication that I view him as more than a friend. He, on the other hand, could never really hide his feelings for me. They shine brightly through his eyes whenever he looks at me. So much transparency and adulation! I will never know how I managed to restrain myself from confessing my love for him, given the guy’s attempts to show his feelings to me.

My mobile beeps a message notification. It is from Ashok.

Hey… got some news to share with you. Can we meet? The usual place, at 4…

I sigh. I tell him I will be there and wonder what news Ashok is going to give me.

Ten years later…

Ashok

“Thank you for being here. I cannot express in enough words, what this means to me. To have everyone I love assembled here, to celebrate my Daadi’s 100th birthday as well as ten years of my marriage, is nothing short of bliss.”

My eyes meet Raghav’s. All the years fade away as I see the same fifteen-year old boy, tall and lanky, head full of curls and nerdy specs. Only, the boy is now in his mid-forties, and the head is still of curls but many of them grey, and the specs have been replaced by a trendier pair. Everything has changed about him, yet nothing has changed. Most of all, the love I feel for him. He is the one for me, my soulmate.

But as they say, sometimes, you can have more than one soulmate in life.

I divert my attention from Raghav and turn towards Mithila, my best-friend, my soulmate and legally my wife. Looking at her, I can only hope that I managed to bring the same amount of happiness for her that she brought to my life. She has been my biggest support, my greatest cheerleader and everything that one can hope to find in a best friend.

“Mithila, for ten awesome years of togetherness, companionship and friendship, thanks a ton.” I tell her as I hold her beside me. She smiles shyly while the guests applaud.

I look at Raghav. He smiles and raises his glass to me in toast.

Raghav

“I knew I would find you here.” I say as I sit beside Ashok. Not to my surprise did I find him sitting on the bench in the lawn. After all these years, I still know him and how!

It doesn’t necessarily make me happy. Two souls who know each other this well should have ended up together. Rather, here we are, in our mid-forties, still pretending as if we don’t care about each other but very much in love.

I can never forget that day when Ashok had called me to the café yet again, but this time to inform me that he is getting married to Mithila. I will never know how I managed to keep a straight face and listen to him talking about how he had known Mithila all his life, and how comfortable he feels around her. Inside me, there was a storm raging.

It should have been me in place of Mithila.

It should have been both of us, I and Ashok, soul-mates bound to each other forever.

I had curbed all my responses and just displayed a delighted reaction. Once I made my way to home, and I do not know how, I broke down in my room. How could he do this??? At that point of time I didn’t understand. But eventually I did. In a society bound by rules and regulations, it is imperative to keep up appearances and wear masks. More so for our families. I did that, and Ashok too did the same by marrying Mithila.

So many years have passed by since then. I and Ashok are still best friends. We keep in touch with each other through meetings at the café and our treks which I love the most. I feel the treks bring me closer to him. As we walk in silence and come to a point which is breathtakingly beautiful, I feel grateful for sharing that particular moment with Ashok.

There will never be anyone else for me. Thankfully, my family accepted my decision to not get married. At least I was spared of maintaining a façade of being happily married.

Sometimes I wonder whether Ashok knows that I love him. Sometimes I doubt whether he still loves me. The open adulation and admiration for me that used to shine through his eyes gradually dimmed after his marriage. I know that his marriage is a pretense. I know that he and Mithila are best friends first and foremost. Perhaps Mithila knew that he was gay, and decided to help him out. We never speak about this, something that I regret.

In another lifetime, and I know I will meet him again, I will tell him everything. I will tell him that he is the soothing and calm night to my brilliant and harsh sun. That he makes me feel alive.

He smiles at me and hands me a bottle of Coke. “I knew you would come here.” He takes his own and raises it to me.

“To?” I ask him as I tap his bottle with mine.

“To us?” He asks, looking at me. The intensity in his gaze overwhelms me. He raises one eyebrow in silent dare, a gesture which is both familiar and endearing to me. The number of times I have seen him do this!

I feel the struggle of all these years catch up with me finally. My very soul feels tired, wanting to be free from a façade that I have woven all my life.

“To us.” I say and nod, hoping that in these two words, he would find everything that I want to convey to him. His contented sigh and the way he relaxes, tells me that he has finally received a confession that he has longed for all his life.

We sit in silent companionship, I with regrets of a lifetime descending on me and Ashok, probably thinking the same. But I know his regret will be different. He would think of an unrequited love, while I will torture myself about an unspoken love. At least he made an attempt. Unlike me, who gave up. On love, on myself, on a future that I would have had with the one sitting beside me, the one whom I have loved all these years.

Mithila

I stand beside the window of my room and watch the two of them. Two souls who are worlds apart but long for each other. I often think about them as the sun and the earth, fated to be in the same realm and sky, yet never together. 

After all these years, their fate still breaks my heart. Wait a minute…is there still a heart left to be broken? 

Since as long as I can remember, I have always loved Ashok. He is not just my best friend but my very soul mate. 

I cannot exactly pinpoint the exact moment when I fell for him. Was it when he came to my defense when unknown guys had barged into our apartment’s complex during Holi celebrations and tried to forcefully apply color on me? I can never forget the way he ran towards me and the way he yelled at the guys. He was fourteen then, and I ten. The other guys were bigger and bulkier. Still, the lean and tall Ashok had stood against them, protectively wrapping his arm around my shoulders and keeping me away from the guys. One of them had simply whistled and they all had backed off laughingly. 

Was it when I was crying having lost a race and he came and hugged me, muttering that it was okay?

Perhaps it was when he, at the age of twenty-five, confided to me that he was gay. The pain I felt in my heart then was definitely the pain of having loved and lost. Once he had had asked me in all innocence, "I never hear you talk about crushes or boyfriends. What's with you?" 

How could I tell him that he was all I ever wanted? How could I lay bare my heart to him? I had simply shrugged off my heartbreak and had muttered that I didn't feel anything for anyone. Till date I could never know how I had managed to rein in my emotions at that point of time. Nor when, years later, I suggested The Plan to him. That, we both get married to each other. His family would be happy and mine would leave me at peace finally.

He had been flabbergasted. He kept shaking his head and saying, “You deserve better! I cannot give you a happy marriage!’ Finally, I had blurted out that I was asexual, that I could feel no desire for either men or women. He had been thoroughly puzzled and had suggested that I wait for few more years to be certain.

“I do not want you to lead a half-hearted life with me, Mithila. You cannot do this!” He had pleaded.

When I told him that my marriage to him will help keep the reputation of both our families, he had reluctantly agreed. My decision was solely influenced by the prospect of spending my life with the one I loved. I knew there would be no romance, no intimacy, no loving moments between us. But that was still preferable to me than living without him. He agreed, not just for his Daadi’s sake, but because it was me, someone whom he knew, and who knew him, and accepted him for his true self.

I have no regrets. He has been the perfect mate, taking care of me and treating me like a queen, all the while hiding his own heartache. Our friendship has blossomed over the years and I feel happy to have been with him all this time.

A pleasure that was denied to Raghav, his true soulmate.

As I look at the two guys sitting silently and soaking in the quiet satisfaction of each other’s presence, I can’t help chuckle. Did I call them the sun and the earth? Then that makes me the moon, always orbiting around the earth with nary a chance of coming closer.

Above, in the sky, the moon shines brightly, glad to be in its beloved earth’s vicinity. Just like me.