Siddharth
I keep staring out on the road, hoping to see her even though I know that she wouldn’t be here for another twenty minutes.
I came early. It gives me a weird kind of satisfaction in waiting for her. The pining, longing and anticipation transport me out of this world to a place where only she and I exist. A safe world.
Although if the world were really safe, my story would be different. She would be all mine. Not that she isn’t now. MINE. She is mine, and always will be. But not in the way I had imagined.
We began our lives together as children living in the same slum. Amidst unhygienic living conditions, fights and poverty, she was my golden ray of sunshine, and I hope I was hers. We would play blissfully along with other children, unaware of the dark world we lived in. Life was tough but it was good as long as we both were together.
Sometimes I wish that day had never happened. I wish I hadn’t stumbled upon the sight that changed the course of my life forever.
I remember the precise moment, crouching behind a crumbling mud wall, peeking into the alley near the frozen creek. That was a long time ago, but it’s wrong what they say about the past, I’ve learned, about how you can bury it. Because the past claws its way out.
I feel myself sinking into the dark pool of depression that ever simmers in my mind. I fumble around the neck of my T-shirt, feeling suffocated. Beads of sweat gather on my forehead and I quickly wipe them. My heartbeat has accelerated and I feel the familiar pull of gloom, making me long to give up my struggles and simply find an escape from this life.
Until, the door of the café opens, and my sunshine walks in.
I take a deep breath, soaking in her presence like a drowning man desperately grabbing a log of wood. The dark clouds of my mind disappear and I swear the day brightens up, even though it is a rainy and gloomy evening outside.
Sometimes it baffles me, the hold this girl has on my heart.
She is wearing a light-blue kurta over jeans. I feel instantly jealous of the oxidized ear-rings she is wearing, for they get to touch her cheek while I only dream about it. Her short hair is tied up into a cute ponytail. Add in those glasses and she looks every inch the teacher she is. She never wears make-up. She never has to do anything to look beautiful. She just is.
“All right, let us just get this done with as soon as possible.” She mutters as she flings her handbag on the table and sits down opposite to me.
I can’t restrain the laugh that bubbles right from my heart and I throw back my head, giving way to the laughter.
---@@@---
Anu
I honestly do not know whether to be irritated with him or to give in to the laughter that is bubbling within me. I refrain from saying anything, not wanting to disturb his carefree laughter. There are very few precious moments when he laughs. I will not be the one to disrupt them.
I wait for him to settle down and ask casually, “What’s so funny?”
He shakes his head and wipes his eyes. “Just that there is a large segment of the society that fears me. People have actually named me The Revenger. Yet you behave as if it is a major inconvenience to meet me!” He leans back on his chair and folds his arms, looking dashingly confident and handsome. The number of beats my heart skips is painful.
He looks at me so intensely that I feel butterflies in my stomach. Finally after an uncomfortably long time, he exhales and runs his hand over the nape of his neck. “How have you been? I am allowed to message you every now and then. Why don’t you reply to my messages?”
The raw longing on his face makes it difficult for me to look at him and I shift my attention. Suddenly I realize something that I had obviously missed on entering the café.
“Why is the café empty?”
There are only empty tables around me and just three servers and one person at the billing counter.
He shrugs. “I told the owner that I need to have a private meeting and to keep the café free for two hours.”
“And he agreed?” I ask incredulously.
“The name Siddharth Kumar apparently works wonders.” He says, trying to sound humble but I hear the smugness in his tone. Along with smugness, there is a slight note of hope that I am impressed.
Honestly, I am. That he goes to so much trouble simply to spend some time with me, makes me feel giddy. But I cannot tell this to him. There are many things I cannot tell him.
I suddenly slap my forehead, remembering the reason for today’s meeting.
“Happy birthday!”
---@@@---
Siddharth
Typical of her to forget the purpose of this date. She takes out a wrapped box from her purse.
“This is for you. Although, I did not know what to gift the guy who probably can buy anything he wants.” She says, a hint of uncertainty in her voice. It makes me want to hug her and tell her that she is all that I ever wanted, and that her gift would always be priceless and invaluable, and that I will cherish it forever.
I unwrap the gift and open the box. I gasp, looking at the watch she has brought for me.
“You remembered?” I ask in wonder. She adorably blushes and shrugs in response.
I and Anu are roaming the streets of Bandra, two fifteen-year olds whisking away from the slums to enjoy a day away from poverty and fights. I am having the time of my life. Anu means the world to me, and I can do anything for her. Anything.
My gaze falls on the glass window of a watch-shop where a watch is on display. I am utterly flabbergasted. It has one of the biggest dials I have ever seen. I longingly stare at it, blissfully oblivious to the security guard who is glaring at me.
“Get away from here!” He suddenly waves his stick at us and we jump. Anu holds my hand and drags me away while I silently stare daggers at the guard.
“Siddhu, let it go. One day, I will buy this watch for you.” Anu says, linking her fingers with mine. I feel all my anger evaporate at the touch of those soft fingers. I gently press them with my own, lift our linked hands and press a kiss on hers.
She giggles. “That’s the first time you did this. You are already growing a stubble and it is scratchy.”
“Is it?” I lift my eyebrow. “Wonder what you will say when I will grow a full beard.”
“No! No beard please! I hate beards.” She looks at me thoughtfully. “But keep the stubble. I like it.”
---@@@---
Anu
I take a moment to stare at him as he is lost in some memory, staring wistfully at the watch. The ever-present stubble gives him a rugged look. His hair falls all over his face in messy waves. This totally contrasts with the jeans and black shirt he is wearing. It is as if I am seeing two different personalities in one frame – one quite decent and well-behaved, and the other, a boy gone rogue.
I love both of them.
He finally comes out of wherever he had just travelled to, and smiles at me, the smile that he reserves only for me. It is warm, kind and breaks my heart, for it shows me the person he could have been if life had been fair.
“Thank you. It means a lot that you remembered this after all these years.” He says, not really looking at me. I stare at him as he removes his smart-watch and straps the one I brought him.
“No big deal.” I shrug, feeling embarrassed. He probably owns every brand of watch he can afford to buy.
I refrain from saying that I searched for the watch for three months, visiting every shop I could. I even saw the same security guard outside the shop where we had first seen the watch. I had always dreamt of giving him a piece of mind for being rude to Siddhu. But one look at the now-aged guard with a slightly-bent frame, and I felt ridiculous.
“We should order. I doubt you had anything to eat other than the measly thing you devour in the name of lunch.” He says.
“Excuse me, but quinoa and millets are good for health.” I say indignantly.
He shakes his head. “You deserve better. You deserve more. I would pamper you if only you will let me.” He says longingly.
“I do not need pampering. I just…”
“Yeah, yeah. You like to be independent and to take care of yourself.” He mutters. “I will never get it.”
He signals to the server and we both place our orders. My phone rings and as I fumble inside my handbag to take it out, I accidentally drop it. To my utter embarrassment, the first thing to fall out is my sanitary pad. I hastily put it inside my bag as a memory surfaces in my mind.
There is a marriage in the slum. A portion of the road has been closed off for a grand celebration. A band of musicians is performing on drums and trumpets. Youngsters are dancing wildly while the elders have formed a line for the buffet lunch.
“Anu!” I hear Siddhu call me out. He is dressed in Kurta and jeans and is dancing with his friends. It is amazing that even though he is the same age as me, he already has crossed 5 feet though he is just fifteen, while I still linger somewhere between 4 and 5. He gestures me to join him in the dance.
I shake my head. I am unable to enjoy the function. My period has started and I do not have a sanitary pad in hand. I have no idea where my mom is and the door to my house is also locked. I am utterly panicking.
He comes running to me. “What happened?” He asks breathlessly.
“Nothing.”
“Anu…”
“It’s a girl-problem, okay… I don’t want to discuss it with you.” I blurt out.
“Then who else will you discuss it with?” He asks in smug confidence. My jaw drops.
He smirks and leans close to me. “Period started? Need a pad?”
I open my mouth but I am utterly embarrassed to say anything.
“Wait here itself. I will be back in a while.” He says and before I can say anything, he runs away and returns ten minutes later with a small parcel wrapped in newspaper. Wordlessly he hands over the parcel and his house key.
Not really looking at him, I self-consciously accept them and rush to his home not sure about how to feel about the whole thing.
When I come out of his home, he is standing outside. He smiles at me and putting his hand on my shoulder, takes me to the stage where everyone is dancing. Within minutes, I have forgotten all my embarrassment and am dancing with him in wild abandon, forgetting the whole world. It’s just I and him for few precious minutes.
---@@@---
Siddharth
“Hey, where did you just go?” I ask Anu. There was a sad look on her face. I would burn down the world to get rid of her sadness.
“Nothing.”
“Anu…”
She simply shakes her head.
I feel helpless. There is so much she doesn’t tell me. How will I be able to help her if she hides things from me? I have this insane need to know everything that happens in her day and in her life. I crave to be connected with her always. I am obsessively protective about her.
“You used to share everything with me.” I say in frustration. “Things may have changed between us but we are first and foremost best friends. I hope you know that you can confide to me about anything.”
She smiles, one of those rare genuine smiles that I get blessed glimpses of. Everything feels right in my world.
“I was just thinking about the old days of our colony. Nothing else.”
The server brings our orders. I wish he hadn’t chosen that time to come. She was about to talk about our past, something that she rarely does now-a-days.
She looks at my order and laughs lightly. Whatever it was, I can order this same dish every day for the rest of my life if it makes her this delighted.
---@@@---
Anu
“So you are still a vegetarian?” I ask him. “I am sure there must be some cheat days.”
“No. I promised you that I will not eat non-veg food again and I have never eaten it since that day.” He says, sounding offended.
The things this boy does for me! How can I ever get him out of my heart! I may have restricted our meetings but emotionally and from my heart, I am always, always thinking of him.
My phone rings. It is Siddhu.
“How is the picnic going on?” He asks.
I sigh. “All fine, except that they have arranged for non-vegetarian food here. Luckily they had lemonade too. I now have to survive on two glasses of lemonade till the evening.”
There is a slight pause. “Hello?” I ask on the phone.
“I will call you back.” He says and disconnects the call.
I shake my head and look at the people eating and having a grand time. The day couldn’t end sooner. Already I feel queasy, the lemonade working its magic on me.
Fifteen minutes later, I get a call from Siddhu.
“Go to the entrance gate of the park. There’s a guy waiting with a parcel for you.”
I walk to the entrance, feeling confused.
I see a guy waiting with a parcel in his hand. He tentatively asks for my name and then hands over the parcel. It smells delicious. I shake my head and call Siddhu.
“You arranged for pav-bhaji to be delivered to me!” I exclaim.
“I have my sources.” He says. “If you were nearby I would have driven there myself. Plus, I do not want to barge into your all-teachers, all-ladies picnic.”
I feel all warm inside. “Thanks for the food.”
“You never have to thank me for anything.” He says sounding gruff. “I miss you. See you tonight?”
“I do not know by what time I will reach home. It could be quite late.”
“Doesn’t matter. I will wait outside the gate. Let me know when you are about to reach, no matter how late it is.” His voice softens. “I haven’t seen you since morning.”
I smile and hug the phone to my heart, feeling all loved and cared for.
---@@@---
Siddharth
“So, anyone joined newly for the post of the science teacher?” I ask and smile sheepishly when she glares at me.
Oh yes, I forgot I am responsible for the vacancy. Or maybe I just want to remind her that I can do anything to protect her. The previous teacher was a pervert and was harassing her. She never let me know but I have my sources inside the school. It only took a small ‘accident’ and a ‘gentle warning’ to the guy to never harass anyone. He resigned of his own accord and last I heard, he is working in some government school where I keep an eye on him through my people.
“What gives you the right to dispense justice to others?” She asks indignantly. She knows that it was I who did it. She always knows.
I shrug. “I am the Revenger, after all.”
She shakes her head in defeat. “No, no one has joined. But the interviews are going on. Hopefully by next month we would have a teacher.”
She keeps talking but my mind goes back to the day when it all started.
I am about to lock the door of my house when I see Gayu Didi, the colony’s favourite girl and teacher to all of us kids, step out of her house and look around stealthily as if ensuring that no one was around. I look at the watch. It’s 11.30 at night. I feel something is wrong, and without her knowledge I follow her, concerned for her wellbeing.
I hide behind an alley and peep out to see what’s happening. At first I find it difficult to accept. Then I find it difficult to remove the image from my mind.
Gayu Didi, the one who teaches all the kids in the colony and ensures that everyone gets the basic right of education, the one who is a mentor to all of us, the one whom my teenaged self looks upon as a role model – she is exchanging bodily favors for money.
My mind finally sees what I missed before. There are other girls in the lane, and within a short time, the number of ‘customers’ increases there.
I slowly walk back home with feet that feel like lead.
The next morning, even though that was the last thing I wanted to do, I attend Gayu Didi’s coaching class.
“Kids, we are finally getting two computers!” She says in excitement. I am unable to look at her, for I know how we kids are getting the computers.
---@@@---
Anu
There’s that heart-broken look on his face again. I wish I could do something to remove it. But then my vicious mind reminds me that I am probably and partly responsible for it.
I can’t help it. I can’t be with him. I know what he does. Legally he is a practicing lawyer dealing with crimes. Illegally he is committing crimes himself.
“You did WHAT???” I shout in dismay and disbelief.
He casts an unconcerned look around the restaurant where we are dining and casually says, “The court pronounced him as innocent and let him walk free for lack of evidence. He is a rapist, Anu, and I can’t simply let him walk away.”
“So you arranged for a little accident and broke both of his legs???”
He raises his eyebrow. “You would rather I kill him? Because I can arrange for that.”
My jaw drops. “When and how did you become so cold-blooded!?” I whisper.
Siddharth
I know that the other side of me bothers her. I know that she doesn’t approve of what I do.
I still remember that day vividly. It was a day when my whole life came crumbling down and the one good thing in my life decided to part ways from me.
But I didn’t let her go. I can’t. I will never. Not until I take my last breath.
The despair in her tone breaks me.
I will never know why I decided to tell her what I did, and what I am planning to do. The thought of losing her rips my heart.
But so does the reminder of what Gayu Didi had to do, to educate the kids in my colony. I cannot forget the sacrifice she made. I was sixteen that eventful night when I had seen her in the alley. I could never muster enough courage to confront her about the same. But once I completed my education and got a job, the first thing I did was to present my first pay cheque to her. I told her that I would ensure that her coaching class never ran out of funds, and that she would not have to do anything to earn money. She understood that I knew what she had to do. She sobbed for a long time.
I leave no stone unturned to get funds for her classes. I am known for my aggressive tactics in the courtroom and have a thriving practice. But there is another side to me.
To those women and families who can’t afford to hire lawyers for crimes committed against them, I am the Revenger. I have a group of ex-criminals whose only crime was to avenge the wrong did to their loved ones. I hire and pay them regularly to ‘break legs’ or ‘cause mishaps/accidents’ to those who walk away free after committing crimes against women and kids. Some people are able to pay me, some are unable to. Whatever their status be, I help them. This is my way of repaying Gayu Didi and the millions like her who had to be out on the streets for livelihood and earnings. I haven’t killed anyone yet, but I ensure that the damage to the criminal is severe and permanent. No one deserves to walk unharmed after committing a crime.
The problem is, I cannot tell Anu about Gayu Didi. That is a secret I will take to my grave. So she doesn’t understand why I resort to such tactics.
“I am just ensuring that criminals do not walk free.” I say. “This is my way of doing something for the society. Just like how you decided to become a teacher and open a school in our colony for underprivileged kids.”
I donated the money but told her that it came from sources I knew. I do not want her to feel indebted to me.
She looks at me in disbelief. “You did not seriously compare your work to mine! I teach children to live in a way that will not harm anyone!”
“And I ensure that those who have harmed people get their due punishment.”
We seemed to have reached an impasse.
She looks around helplessly. “Are you saying that you will not stop this – whatever you are doing?”
I look at her, a premonition in my mind that my answer will change everything. Yet, I cannot give up. I need to do this.
I simply shake my head.
She didn’t say anything more that day, but she started distancing herself from me. I kept following up with her, trying to meet her at her work or at her home. I am not exactly proud of my behavior. But she is my lifeline and I cannot give up on her.
Finally she agreed to meet me once. She came that day with a long list of terms and conditions. She had agreed to meet me once in a month. In return, I had to promise to never meet her – neither at her work nor at her home. I was not to interfere in her life in any way.
I had to agree to her. One meeting in a month was still better than not meeting her at all. She doesn’t know that I wait outside her school every day in hired vehicles, just to get a glimpse of her.
She can’t take that away from me.
---@@@---
Anu
“I cannot be with someone who takes the law in his own hands and harms people.”
I say in a quivering voice.
His reaction breaks my heart. His eyes instantly fill up with tears and he struggles to say something. He brings his fist to his mouth and sits like that for some time. I sob openly, weaker than him to find my composure.
“Anu, you cannot leave me.” He says in a thick voice. “You are my lifeline. Don’t do this to me!” His voice breaks at the last word.
My heart aches physically. I only shake my head, my sobs rendering me speechless. I get up and run away from the restaurant, not having the courage to look back.
Where he is concerned, I am at my weakest. Only the sheer thought of the kids in my school gives me the courage to walk away.
I thought I had seen the last of him. But Siddhu never gave up.
---@@@---
Siddharth
Just like all our meetings, this one too ends far too soon for my liking. We talk a lot but there is a weird formal atmosphere most of the times, at least from her. She tries really hard to keep her distance.
When she gazes at her watch, I get the familiar melancholic feeling that is an indicator that my date with her is about to end and I will have to wait for one whole month to be able to spend some time with her.
I clear my throat, feeling nervous about what I am about to tell her. It is ridiculous, really. I have a reputation as an aggressive rogue in the courtroom. There are people who are scared of me, and this girl can break me with just a nod or shake of her head.
“Anu, please meet me more frequently.” I breathlessly blurt it out.
Her hand stills on her lips while wiping them with the tissue. I have a crazy urge to be the one to touch them. I shake my head, reminding myself to stay sane.
“You know I can’t.” She says.
“But why? You know I love you, and I know you love me.” She vigorously shakes her head. I smirk and say, “I know.”
When she just gives me a defeated look, it gives me a strange kind of pleasure. So much for small victories!
“Your lifestyle is different. I cannot be with someone who has voluntarily chosen violence in his life.” She says.
I do not have anything to say. But I will keep trying. I have to.
Anu
“Okay I need to leave now.” I say. I am always the first one to end our meetings. It amazes me as to how I do it, all the while appearing casual and unaffected.
The monthly meetings do not satisfy my soul. I crave to be with him always. The girl inside me is crazy about him. But the teacher in me is appalled that he is involved in violence and illegal dispensing of justice. I spend the whole day with children and my only wish is that they grow up in a violence-free society. Although Siddhu does everything in the name of justice, he stands for everything that I teach my kids to not to do.
And where do I even begin about how worried and concerned I always am about his safety? It is a miracle that I have not succumbed to the constant tension that his ‘profession’ gives me.
“Don’t worry about being late.” He says, a tinge of desperation in his voice. “I will drop you home in my car.”
“No, that won’t be required. I have already made it clear that I will come and leave on my own terms.” I hate how cold I sound when I say this.
He gives a resigned sigh, a look of utter defeat on his face. It breaks my heart. But then I remind myself that this guy will be seeing me tomorrow outside school, hidden in some car and pretending to be invisible. I know he comes to see me every morning when I enter the school and every afternoon when I leave. It somewhat lessens my pain and gives me comfort that he is always around.
He signals the server for the bill. Once he pays the same, I get up from my seat. He follows me.
“Please meet me regularly, Anu.” He says, a world of longing in his tone. “I pine for you. Every day, every moment.”
His pain and longing are my undoing and despite of myself, I do the one thing that I had promised myself I would never do.
---@@@---
Siddharth
My eyes close in blessed, life-giving relief as her soft lips gently press against mine. My whole life seems to reach its culmination at this moment. It is as if I was waiting just for this.
She lingers briefly, and then withdraws from the kiss, not looking at me. She rests her head on my chest, and I feel like my heart would just explode with all the tumultuous feelings that are wreaking havoc within me. I hug her tightly.
“Can’t you quit your work?” She asks in a whisper laced with desperation. “Please. It is illegal, it is unsafe.”
“I can’t. I am too involved in it now. There is no way out for me.” I say, knowing that this will end the magic of the moment.
Predictably she withdraws herself from the hug, giving me a frustrated look when I gently tighten my hold on her. She keeps looking at me until I release her. I instantly feel cold, as if all warmth from my life has gone.
“This won’t happen again.” She says, wiping her tears. “I will see you next month. Do not meddle in my life, and I will not interfere in yours.”
I mutely nod, feeling my heart break yet again. All my requests that I drop her to her home fall on deaf ears, like they always do.
I watch in silent despair as she books an auto. Her ride comes in few minutes and she waves to me before boarding the auto. I keep watching it till it goes out of my sight.
I walk towards my car. Now that I have had the taste of heaven, the road back to my hell seems longer and lonelier.
---@@@---
Anu
I know he watched the auto till it went out of his sight.
And then, I cry. I cry for the boy I have known and loved all my life. I cry for the boy who has chosen an unsafe, illegal, dangerous and unsavory path in life. I cry for the man whose heart I keep breaking again and again.
And most of all, I cry for myself for falling for a love that is doomed.