Chapter 1

‘The song that I came to sing remains unsung to this day. I have spent my days in stringing and in unstringing my instrument.

The time has not come true, the words have not been rightly set; only there is the agony of wishing in my heart.

The blossom has not opened; only the wind is sighing by. I have not seen his face, nor have I listened to his voice; only I have heard his gentle footsteps from the road before my house.

The livelong day has passed in spreading his seat on the floor; but the lamp has not been lit and I cannot ask him into my house.

I live in the hope of meeting with him; but this meeting is not yet.’

I take a deep breath as I keep the book aside and look out of the window. Perhaps it is the influence of the poem I am reading from the book Gitanjali, a priceless collection of soulful poems written by Gurudev Tagore. Perhaps it is the quietness and solitude of the road outside and the lazy sigh of the afternoon that makes me melancholic. I do not know what it is exactly, but I feel sad all of a sudden. Immensely sad.

Often I feel like I have been waiting for something or someone. If only I could know what exactly. Sometimes, when I come across something beautiful, or see some movie or read a poem, I feel a strange stirring within my heart. It feels like the sigh of a heart reeling under a desire that has been awaiting fulfillment since many lifetimes.

The feeling doesn’t last long, most of the times, the reason being…

“Trisha! Start preparing for your date! It is already 3.30 now, and you have to be at the café in an hour!”

Yep, you guessed it right. I can always count on my mother to bring me out of my melancholy (or drive me to insanity. She doesn’t disappoint either way).

I shake my head, feeling as if the weight of the world has descended upon my shoulders. I had completely forgotten about the “date”.

You see, my mother (like most of the mothers) is very concerned that I am nearing 30 (even though I am just 26; when it comes to Maths, no one can win against a mother all set to marry off her daughter at the age that she feels is appropriate). So she registered my profile in a matrimonial site.

I had grand dreams of meeting my soulmate, falling in love with him and finding my happily-forever. The dreams slowly withered away after my one and only affair that ended in a heartbreak and made me shy away from men forever. Personally I am all for solitude and peace. I have given up on love and relationships.

But not my mother.

She is after me with vengeance, clicking candid photos of me and uploading them in matrimonial sites and in her whatsapp groups with the intention of finding a prospective alliance. She is relentless in her search for a ‘good boy’ for me.

Chapter 2

“I know that this probably will come off as a corny pickup line, but the moment I saw your photo, I had this feeling that we have met before.”

If I could, I would have rolled my eyes hard until they disappeared right inside my head.

This date is a disaster of epic proportions.

Do not get me wrong. The guy, Krish, is attractive in a boy-next-door way. He has wheatish complexion, curly hair and specs which make him look really, really cute. He is one of those irritating ones with whom age forgets to catch up. I am sure that he will look exactly the same ten years from now.

He is also well-mannered. For starters, when I arrived ten minutes earlier than expected to gain some advantage, I found him already there, sitting beside the window and waving to me with a grin the size of Canada. No seriously, he looked like he was meeting and greeting a long-lost friend.

And that is exactly what is wrong with this date. He is behaving as if he already knows me. There is literally no formality or awkwardness from his side. At times I caught him staring at me curiously as if wondering where he has seen me before.

Frankly it is this part that is creeping me out. Everything about this date screams disaster to me.

And our names. Krish Weds Trish. Ugh.

Yeah, I can TOTALLY picture THAT happening.

I come out from my reverie and find him waiting patiently for me to respond to his remark.

“Oh, um…” is the best answer I can manage.

He smiles and shakes his head. “I am sorry if this makes you feel uncomfortable. I just… if I could only know where I have met you before…” He runs his hand over his curls, a look of frustration on his face.

Poor dude. I probably should put him out of his misery by making up some family-function where I had met him. This is quite possible actually. Since we both are south-Indians living in the same city – Matunga – which is a mini south-India, there are high chances that we might have run across each other, given the zillion functions I have had to attend.

“I saw in your profile that you are a reader. I am a reader too. What are you currently reading?” He asks. I realize that he has been the one bringing up different topics for the conversation to go on while I have been only responding to his questions and remarks.

“Gitanjali.” I say, knowing that readers need no introduction to this splendid work.

His eyes widen in delight. “Undoubtedly one of Gurudev’s epic works! I love that book!”

There is a brief pause after which he himself says, “I am reading The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho.”

Oh shoot… I should have asked him in return. Now I feel awful. The guy has been nothing but decent all this while.

“That book has some great quotes.” I say eagerly, trying to keep my end of the conversation. “Do you have a favorite among those?”

He sips on his coffee thoughtfully and says, “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. This one is my favorite. It is filled with so much positivity.”

Then why do you look so sad suddenly? I want to ask him, for the moment he said this, there came a lost look on his face. He runs his hand over his face as if trying to cleanse off the gloom that has surrounded him.

He looks at me and gives me a nervous smile.

Chapter 3

The date is approaching its end. We have much in common, I have to admit. We both are outdoorsy and love to travel. We like to read books. We both are interested in astronomy. Krish shares my casual and light-hearted approach to life. On paper, we should actually match.

But something makes me hesitate to say yes. I am getting – what is the word I am looking for? Tragic! Yes, I am getting tragic vibes from him, if that makes any sense. There is an aura of sadness surrounding him. He smiles and laughs a lot but at times, a gloom settles over his face, as if he is remembering something sad.

As I look at my watch, he clears his throat and sits straighter, as if bracing to say something.

“I had a great time.” He says in a sincere tone. “If it is okay with you, I would like to meet you again.”

I am a bit taken aback by his honest confession. And I am touched too. But it is too soon for me to commit anything.

“I need some time to think over this. Can I get back to you later?” I say.

A look of resignation comes over his face and he smiles, as if having expected this. “Sure. Take your time.”

We say our goodbyes and part. He waits till I board a cab to my home and then he leaves.

Something weird is going on, for the cloud of gloom that had surrounded him now surrounds me. I feel sad all of a sudden, as if I have lost something.

Or someone.

Lost in thoughts, I never realized when the cab reached the turn of my lane. I tell the driver to drop me there. I need to buy some groceries from the supermarket. I pay the driver and I turn around to enter the supermarket when I stumble upon something.

Looking down, I find a fist sized statue. It’s of two swans with their foreheads touching each other. I bend down and take the statue when the whole world spins around me.

I straighten myself and gasp.

The statue has disappeared. Around me there is sheer whiteness. Suspended in the great white is a single door that opens just a bit, as if it is beckoning me.

Everything inside me is cowering in fear, but I know that I need to pass through that door. Taking a deep breath, I step in.

Chapter 4

I want to cry out in sheer joy. In front of me is a scene right from the dawn of creation, when the earth was at its bountiful best. The trees – so lush and green! The colors around me so vibrant and clear! The sky such an amazing blue!

I look around and realize that I am at the edge of some forest. There are many small hut settlements situated beside each other. There is a stream of clear water that flows into the forest and disappears into its murky interiors. I can hear the sounds of fire sizzling. A strange odor of meat being cooked wafts in the air.

From one of the huts, there emerges a guy. At first I frantically search around me for a place to hide. But when the guy’s gaze flits right past me, I realize that he cannot see me.

The guy has an enormous beard that covers a major portion of his face. He has long and matted hair that settles wildly over a rugged face that has seen hard and physical labor. He is wearing some sort of a cloth covering his lower body while his chest has been bared. There is a certain hunch to his shoulder.

He looks primitive.

He gazes intensely on another hut and relaxes slightly when a lady steps out. She has haphazardly draped a cloth around her, covering all her vital parts. She had long disheveled hair that falls in waves over her shoulders.

She looks at the guy as he approaches her. He hands her something. I move closer to see what he has given her.

A set of two bird-like figures made out of some leaf that I cannot identify. The figures look like swans to me.

No words are exchanged between them. The lady nods at him and he grunts. They stand staring at each other until a rustling sound diverts their attention.

The lady looks towards the forest in alarm. The guy calmly looks at her and at her home, as if gesturing her to get inside. She walks to her home, casting worried looks at him. He waits till she closes the door of her hut. Then he rushes to his own and comes out with a long spear that has a stone-tipped edge. Suddenly men from all huts come out with similar weapons and they march towards the forest, the guy leading them.

I barely have time to see the silhouette of an animal that looks like a large tiger strike out and drag the guy with his legs deep into the forest, oblivious to the attacks by the other men.

The scene changes.

Chapter 5

I am now in front of a lake that is in the midst of a large palace. A pair of swans are swimming blissfully in the lake. Beautiful gardens surround it.

The many balconies of the palace look out into this lake.

I see a guy trimming the bushes of an overgrown shrub. He has a muscular build. He is wearing a dhoti that is stained with mud. His hair is long and falls till his shoulders.

Once the shrub is trimmed, he takes out a small pouch from his dhoti and heads over the lake. He gently throws some wheat crumbs from the pouch and the swans come gliding over to eat them.

“You won’t talk to me even now.”

He stiffens when he hears the voice and takes his time to turn around.

There stands the beautiful lady whom I watched as she came down from the palace. She is dressed in a beautiful set of lehenga-choli. She appears to be in her early twenties. Her long hair has been pleated in a beautiful plait. The ornaments she is wearing are simple but something tells me they are made of real gold.

The guy stands and bows formally. “Princess.”

She shakes her head vigorously. “Enough with this ‘princess’ … what happened? We grew up together as best friends. You used to come to meet me. In the past two years, you changed. You stopped talking to me. You have avoided me all this while. Every day I come here to watch you water the plants and tend to the swans. You never spoke a word and answered all my questions very formally. In a week’s time, I will be in a new home amidst new people and we may never meet again. I am about to be married! Don’t you have anything to say to me?” She asks, a look of pure grief on her face.

He maintains a stoical look as he finally says. “I wish you and the prince a very happy married life, princess. May the gods watch over both of you always.” He looks at the swans and gestures towards them. “I wish you a love like theirs.”

“Like the swans?”

He smiles briefly. The change the smile brings to his face! It was as if he was remembering something that was once very familiar and natural to him. “They mate for life, you know.”

She relaxes visibly. “Finally, a glimpse of the friend I have known all my life.” She looks around the garden as if taking it all for the last time. “Will you be coming for the wedding? I am hoping you would.”

He simply shakes his head and resumes feeding the swan.

The lady’s lips quiver and she exhales, trying to soothe the turmoil on her face. “All right then. You take care.” She says in a trembling voice and marches right back into the palace.

He watches her with a look of raw longing mingled with grief. His fist opens and closes as he takes deep breaths.

Chapter 6

I find myself at the platform of a crowded station. I am right in front of a guy who is pacing nervously. He keeps looking at his watch and at the entrance to the platform alternatively. There is another guy watching him pensively. Probably his friend.

“She should have been here by now!” The nervous guy tells his friend. He looks quite familiar. Hair upto his shoulders, a face that looks like it is carved out of stone and a muscular build that shows that he labors a lot.

“Don’t assume the worst. She will be here soon. My guys will not fail us.” The friend says. I detect a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

Suddenly the nervous guy stiffens and then relaxes. I follow his gaze and find a girl in her mid-twenties rushing inside the platform. She looks at him and exhales, as if in relief.

She looks the quintessential girl next door, dressed in a simple Punjabi-suit with a dupatta. She has long hair that she has pleated neatly. Some strands managed to escape from the pleat and fall all over her face. As she stands in front of the guy, he tenderly brushes the strands off her face and tucks them behind her ear.

“You came.” He says in evident relief.

“I couldn’t afford not to.”

The guy turns towards his friend and embraces him. “Thanks for everything, my friend. Hopefully I will get to meet you soon.” The friend nods, tears in his eyes.

The guy and the girl are just about to board the train standing on the platform when loud shouts erupt. A group of guys rushes inside the platform with guns.

The girl takes one look at them and starts sobbing. “No! No this can’t be happening!”

The guy looks at them and sighs in resignation. He turns towards the girl, a look of grief on his face. “Whatever happens, know that I love you, from the very depth of my heart.”

I see the girl gulp in fear and clutch at the pendant she is wearing. It is of two swans.

They both board the train in a rush. I watch with bated breath as the train leaves the platform.

I do not get any time to breathe a sigh of relief, for the group of guys with guns boards the train as well. Within minutes, I hear the sound of shots being fired and a loud, feminine wail, a wail that speaks of unbearable sorrow and the grief of parting. Beside me, the friend breaks down, sobbing heavily. “I told you not to get involved, my friend… I told you they will kill you!” I hear these parting words as I get transported to another place and time.

Chapter 7

This time, I am in a hotel. The décor feels like it is somewhere from the 80s. I find myself beside a table where two guys are sitting.

There is that familiar guy again but there is something different about him here. Oh yes, the hair is short, for starters. He is wearing a formal shirt that is folded at his wrist. He absent-mindedly fiddles with a ring. I move closer to have a better look at it.

Wonder of wonders, it has two swans engraved on it. There is a photo on the table – a photo of a girl in her mid-twenties. She looks familiar too, although she is sporting shoulder-length hair in a bob and is wearing a saree. She looks pretty as she smiles at the camera.

“At least tell her the truth and leave the decision to her.” The other guy says.

My guy shakes his head and smiles sadly. “I can’t burden her with this. She is young and has a lot of life ahead.”

“But at least give her a chance! Do not give up just like that!” The friend pleads in desperation.

“There is no point in proceeding ahead, knowing what I am up to.”

“But how did it all come to this?” The friend asks.

My guy sighs. “It was a routine check-up that was a must before I joined the new company. The report showed alarming excess of white blood cells. I was immediately told to take some more tests. Here I am, fighting advanced stage of cancer, with barely a few months to live.” He runs his hand over his hair. “Tell me, my friend, how can I go ahead with the alliance after knowing all this?”

“But everything has been fixed. The poor girl is probably dreaming of her marriage right now! And you are thinking of ending it, that too over a letter. Don’t you think she deserves to know the reason that you are backing out now?”

“I can’t tell her, okay!” The guy finally explodes. “I can’t cause her this grief! I would rather break her heart and have her hate me, than subject her to this grief which will break her very spirit. Do you think I want to do this? Do you have any idea of what I am going through?” His voice breaks and he lowers his face into his hands. The friend gulps and drinks some water. For a short while silence reigns in the table.

“I am sorry.” The friend says in a thick voice.

The guy nods and wipes his eyes. His face shows his turmoil. He drinks some water and clears his throat. “Tomorrow I will post the letter. It will take a day to reach her.” He smiles as he looks at the photo. “In some other lifetime, my fair lady!” He says. “I will be returning the ring but I wish to keep her photo with me.” He gulps. “I need something to get by the next and last few months of my life.”

My heart breaks and I sob. But I do not get much time to linger for I find myself in a new place yet again. I don’t think I have the stomach to see any more tragedy.

Chapter 8

This time I am standing outside what looks like a court room. There is a lot of activity going around, people rushing to and fro, printers printing, papers flying… I make my way in when I see the now-familiar guy – the one whom I now call as my guy. I can identify him easily this time due to his physical structure although the hair again is shorter this time. I really liked it when he had longish hair.

He is sitting on a chair, looking utterly pensive. Beside him, on another chair, sits the lady who also is now familiar to me. It is evident from her heavily-made-up face that she has cried. A lot. She sits with tightly coiled tension and keeps fidgeting with the handkerchief placed on her lap. My guy looks at her hands and makes a movement as if to clasp them. He sighs and straightens himself, apparently refraining from initiating the contact.

A guy whom I assume to be a lawyer sits on the chair opposite to them with a stack of papers. He looks at both of them with dispassion, giving the impression that this is something that he sees on a daily basis.

“So here are your papers. This is your set,” he says handing one set to the lady, “and this is yours. Once you have signed these, please sign together on my copy too. Then it will be done.”

The guy stares at the paper-stack on his hand. I can see slight trembling there. His breathing quickens. He looks at the lady who has her pen poised over the paper. He sees her take a deep breath and sign the paper. His lips quiver involuntarily and his eyes fill up. He places the papers on the table harshly and signs one page after another, never lifting his eyes until he has signed the last page. He waits in silence till she signs the lawyer’s copy and then signs it himself.

The lawyer takes all the papers and nods at the couple. No words are exchanged. Silently my guy and the lady get up from the chair and walk out. She wastes no time in getting into an auto and leaves. I get a brief glimpse of her breaking down inside the auto. My guy stands and keeps watching the auto till it goes out of his sight. He takes out a handkerchief from his pocket and stares at it for a moment. There is an embroidered figure of two swans and the letter ‘Forever’ beneath them. He throws the kerchief into the nearest bin. Then he wipes his eyes and walks slowly, his frame bent with the weight of the grief of separation.

Chapter 9

I wake up, tears streaming down on my face. What a realistic dream it was!

I check my mobile to see the time. It is 3.30 am. I see a message notification. Hi. Hope you reached home. Just thought of checking with you. I would really like to meet you again. But no hard feelings if you don’t feel the same! Either way, I wanted to say that I am glad to have met you, and I wish the best for you always. Okay, I do not know how to end this. Bye and take care! – Krish.

Just seeing his name makes me break down again. I don’t know why exactly. I was already feeling emotional about the dream. The dream – what was it exactly? Already it is slipping off the edges of my memory. I remember a guy with longish hair and a muscular build. There was a pretty lady too. What happened to them? Why do I feel immensely sad thinking about them?

I feel utterly disoriented. What did I do after my date with Krish? Oh yeah, I went to the supermarket although this part feels murky to me. There is a fog in this memory. I switch on the lights of my room, feeling restless.

I sit down beside the window with the book. Gitanjali has never disappointed me, and it doesn’t tonight.

I know not from what distant time thou art ever coming nearer to meet me. Thy sun and stars can never keep thee hidden from me for aye.

In many a morning and eve thy footsteps have been heard and thy messenger has come within my heart and called me in secret.
 
I know not only why today my life is all astir, and a feeling of tremulous joy is passing through my heart.

The poem brings fresh tears but this time, they are of relief and closure. To me, it feels like a perpetual hole in my heart has finally been sealed. As the tears cleanse my heart, I feel like something in me has been healed.

I close the book, lay my head on the table and cry some more and finally fall into a deep sleep, a very familiar face tantalizing me at the edge of my subconscious – the face of a guy looking at me with pure love. Krish, what are you doing here? I mumble before blessed sleep takes over.

Chapter 10

I feel ridiculously nervous. I mean, it’s not as if I am meeting Krish for the first time. This is our second date still I feel all restless and jittery.

I do not know what made me decide to give it a try. I think it all had to do with a very strange dream I had that night after my first date with Krish. I do not remember any details of the dream but I know that it wasn’t a happy one, and that I thought of Krish the moment I woke up. I had this intense urge to meet him and to make sure that he was all right.

As a reply to the message he had sent me, I told him that I would like to meet him again. And here I am, on my way to the café, a full twenty minutes earlier than the scheduled meet.

I spot him the moment I open the door. There is that grin again, as if he is genuinely happy to see me. As for me, I have this crazy urge to run to him and hug him tightly. To never let go of him. I do not know what is happening here.

I only know that it feels right. He feels right.

“Thanks for meeting me.” He says by way of greeting. Today he is dressed casually – jeans and a white shirt. He looks really cute.

I smile and sit opposite to him. “I guess we both had the same idea of being the first one to turn up.”

He laughs in delight. It makes my heart happy. “I believe that the first one to come for a meeting has a slightly higher advantage.”

We place our orders. A brief awkward pause ensues. He leans back on the chair and clears his throat. “So, are you willing to give us a chance? It will be totally your call.”

“What about you?” I ask pensively.

He smiles. “I was already in, the moment I saw your photograph. But I understand you may not feel the same way. So I suggest that we take it slow.”

“Seems fair to me.” I say.

He relaxes visibly. “Oh, before I forget…” He hands over a small package to me. “I had visited a crafts emporium yesterday after our date. I saw this and thought of you.” He grins sheepishly. “I was both hoping and assuming that you would agree to meet me again.”

His grin melts my heart. Gone is the sad aura surrounding him. Today he looks content and happy.

I open the package and gasp. It is a beautiful glass structure of two swans with their foreheads touching each other. I get a strange feeling that I have seen this before.

“They mate for life, you know. The swans.” He says and gives a shaky laugh. “Oh, I just got a feeling of deja vu!”

“This is beautiful. Thank you so much!” I say, feeling touched. For some reasons, this gift already means the world to me. I know whatever we decide ahead, I am not going to return this to him. It’s now mine.

Our orders arrive and there is a brief lull in the conversation. Like he always does, Krish is the one to initiate a new one.

“There is one more quote from The Alchemist that I like very much. I hesitated to say it yesterday, lest it come off as inappropriate.”

“Please go ahead!”

“So I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.” He says, not looking at me.

Whatever little discontent there was in my heart, I can feel it disappear. I am finally where I belong.

I listen to him go on, the hope of a happily forever shining brightly in my heart.